Hey

It’s one thirty am, and I have my coffee

I’m thinking about work.  This is w I have been working towards for like over ten years.  I have been wanting to be as employable as this all my life.  I wasn’t able, I feel, due to emotional abuse.

It’s rly bizarre, having self esteem.  I feel Ima literally get any job.  Agencies used to be intimidating places; now I feel that they are my friends.  The guy I speak to, we get on rly well.

I’m glad I didn’t end up asking for temping, like I had planned.  For one, I have a cut finger and doing dishes w not be possible, cleaning w be even worse.  The other is, is that, these are just better jobs.

Even warehouse work w be okay, even tho it w make me go a little crazy.  I w be staring at the images on the stationary like they were my friends; sad.

Everything I do now w be so much sweeter.  I w be just able to go about my routine w the backdrop of Ik what’s happening in the background.

It w hard for me, when I felt like I w being rejected for every single customer service job that I w going for.  It felt horrid that in the background, it felt that my job search w not working.  It felt like my life had stopped dead and I w at risk of losing all support; like it w my fault that I wasn’t getting anywhere, bc of being worthless.

Now I feel like I have value, I have levelled up.  There w be a spring in my step everywhere I go.

I remember the times of doing temping.  It w such a happy time.  I used to do the dishes at the school.  They said it w a sign, bc I worked so hard, I guess that w true.  Only this time the jobs w be better, I feel.

I must put my agency numbers in my phone; bc I have been getting calls from scammers, and I’ve been feeling like they were from my agency, w puts me in danger.

I trust both my guys; the dude, bc he, I just get on well w him, and he’s a straight shooter; the girl bc she got someone promoted so quick.  If I’m being honest, the girl seems a little stressed out.

She has no time for anyone who, mess her around, and I shat it so badly when I said that I didn’t want to do warehouse.  I w like, why did I say that, J’s commandments say to take anything that is offered and hopefully I w be actually given something that is rly good.  I’m such a hot mess.

The point of this whole agency zhè is not to end up w the best job, like CEO of somewhere; it’s to build my self esteem and help me level up, so that I genuinely deserve something better.  It’s like that song, there’s no limits.  I honestly feel that if I build my self esteem, day by day, there is no end to where Ima end up.

I keep having to remind myself that the experience of having rl high self esteem, is actually the end goal, and this societal thing of just making more money and having more value bc of it, is just total bull sh, and I keep falling into feeling that way.  It’s so annoying how I don’t feel I have any value bc of my social situation, why am I such a dumbass.

I do secretly wanna be an entitled white girl, where Ima ask for anything and people just wanna help me out.  Entitled is a very bad word.  I just feel that through humility, people w help me; and on the surface it looks like entitlement, tho rly it’s just that I deserve all the help that I get.

Ik money is easy af.  I learned forex trading and for a month, I w doing it correctly.  Ik that it is super easy to get dollars, and that running a business is a total piece of pi’ as well.  It’s rly not hard, and people who do stuff like that, they are not superhuman, they are just responsible.

There is a dark side to entitlement tho.  J says, woe to those who are spoken well of.  I think the subtext is that they w have a bad ride when they get to the afterlife.  I want to be someone who has it all, tho is not karmically retarded.

J says that there is more likelihood of a camel going through the eye of a needle, than a rich person getting into heaven, tho all things are possible w G.  It w have to be bc I have a patent that I wanna do, and make like a billion.  It has to work.  I’m scared that I w lose my soul tho, it’s what I wanna do

I also think that all the people in my life, w be evil, and Idk how to balance this.  I don’t wanna hang around the rich, just the wealthy; tho, I w like for the rich to look not look down on me.  I w like to be able to move in all circles of life.

Rly that just means not judging anyone, bc that’s when people judge me back.  I rly do feel that that is that simple.  It’s a nosh where I start to get angry, and then they sense it, and kick me the f out.

That feels rly wrong to me, Idc tho.

To Social Freedom

K