Hey

I’m down Ferry Meadows.

I think it’s people being pi’ off all the time.  Like people seem to be thinking, about all the people who pi’ them off in their life, when I’m around.  It’s easy to think that I’m the problem

I had this for a while.  People w just start blurting out cusses at people, when I walked past.  At first I didn’t like it.  I felt it triggering and k that before I had grown tho this point, people didn’t used to.

Now, like I say, it just seems that people feel super pi’ off about those who are annoying them; around me.

It took me ages to see that this w w it w.  I w always get triggered, bc I w feel the vibe, and I w take it that they hated me.  They were hating someone, all of them, tho it w someone else.

I w thinking about the Insta, help I had asked for.  Idk where to find the reply.  I’m thinking go on Insta, click the link to verify payment method, and then go to the menu, and look for the help chat.  Irdk.

I suppose, where I am w my life, is kinda in the middle of things; w is kinda frustrating.  I am half way employed, and half way to a running campaign.

I must trust that things w work out.  I must not be programmed to instantly think that this, all of this, ain’t gonna work.  I mustn’t think that it w either.  Idk what the f to think.  I’m just aware that this negativity, is just programming that I choose to let go of.

I am bopping around every day, doing different clubs, writing my blog and just living.  I think it’s my medication, that kinda makes me feel like I don’t exist, yk.  It’s a strange feeling.

Like, Ik that I am living my life.  Is it some sort of grandiosity need, that I have to fill.  Am I wanting to be more than I am.  I must tell myself that I am enough.

I have struggled all my life, feeling like every single person on the planet, w better than me.  I have healed from that, tho I feel that there is a little bit of it left, trying it’s damnedest to hang in there.

Yes, it’s the medication.  Kinda makes me feel empty, I feel.  Also I don’t have the correct amount of Neurones in my brain.  I feel I have adult depression.  It’s a kinda malaise that is bc of not having enough Neurones.

I’m not kidding.  I feel adults are not in reality, per se; any kid w testify to that.  I remember, when I said someone w, sad, to my dad.  He didn’t understand w sad meant, and in that moment, I felt that in his consciousness, something w missing.

Now I am my parent’s age, and I have this feeling.  I’m lucky af that that is all it is.  It c be worse.  It c be blocking me from feeling reality outright.

I feel that both my parents had ASBD.  That c be w w missing from their awareness.

I remember one time when I said, I can’t be arsed; and one adult said to me, he means that he’s gay; and then the other said, no, it means he’s not gay; all the time I w thinking, what the f!

I have this creeping feeling that when I am a kid again, I w feel that all adults are a bit crazy.

I want to reverse my chronological age, before the anti ageing pill comes out, so that Ima see adults the way I saw them when I w young; bc otherwise they w all be young too, ya feel me.

I just have this blur of when I w a teenager.  Kinda thinking we were alright, weren’t we, and they were just like parents or adults or something; different.

Death is a slow process, isn’t it.  It starts at like forty.  Kinda dark!

Like, the changes that are happening in genetics w wipe out how everyone views death, and life.  Nothing w be as it w.  What the f, will things be like.  That’s freaking me the f out, Ima stop.  I’ve got enough trouble just telling myself that Ima get a job.

I kinda don’t feel secure.  Could it be secure attachment, or do I need to k that Ima handle work, so that Ima support myself and survive; could be the latter.

I remember this guy, Victor Oddo, saying that what’s coming is going.  This means that the feeling of insecure attachment, means that very soon, I am about to feel secure, and whole as a human being.  Well that’s sewn that one up then.

Ah yay man, that’s gonna be dope.  I wonder if it means that soon I w have all my Neurones.  I’m literally jumping out my skin at the excitement.  I honestly believe it.  It feels amazing af, just super duper dope, yay.

I mean like w if these commandments are a rl thing.  Like, everything that they said they w do, has happened; for me.  It has, they have, healed my schizophrenia, and here I am looking for work.  I think it’s a matter of faith and not analysing.  I just feel it, and it’s real for me.

Tbh, just the feeling of it, makes me feel like a kid, ngl.  C my brain have just switched to like Kid Neurology, and the awareness I used to have as a kid, is just racing towards being rl for me now.  Like, it’s just all switched on.  That w be the feeling that I’m describing rn, that is exactly how it feels.  What a rush.

To The Rush

K