It’s two am, and I have my coffee.
I w thinking about CBD. I felt like I w trippin’. I feel that the human body, actually has the ability to make THC out of CBD. It’s the only way to explain how mashed I w.
I have been invited to a coffee morning, when croquet stops, w w be super. It w give me something to do. It’s rly important for my mental health.
Going to the clubs has got me off the medication, and I w need it, to continue to decrease the dosage further. It rly shocks me how much I need people. I feel I come from an antisocial background.
I still lean into that it is anger that is the problem, and that judgement, like racism cause anger, w then eats up the mind; and just being pi’ at everyone.
I w thinking about triggers and being totally f up. It happens when there is one trigger, and then before the person has recovered, there is another one. It’s just probability and chaos theory. Every now and then there’s gonna be another trigger that totally buries the person, and by the person, I mean me, or you.
The more my mind grows and expands, the more ability I w have to just emotionally abuse someone. I feel so strong in being able to tell someone off. The problem w this is that it’s a skill that is very destructive; to me.
J warns in the parable of the wicked servant, I feel, that anyone who unloads on anyone, w get busted down, right to where they were, at the start of their following the commandments journey. It w all be gone, all the righteousness I had earned over the last six years.
That’s why it scares me, growing in my ability to rly be mean to someone, and feel like I w doing it for the right reasons.
I think there is a wall Ima get past, where I no longer feel like I w need to talk to someone that way. The problem is is that, I need to get past the point where I unload on someone, first, before I get to that existential phase.
It means possibly that one day Ima feel so f hurt, feeling like someone w being just nasty af to me, and I w have to swallow it, so badly, being in so much emotional agony; so that I c get past that wall to feeling like I get no triggers anymore, or I ignore them.
I feel that all J’s commandments are to give this roadmap to evolving into like an angel or something; and that all these parables are like problems, that w crop up on the way.
I feel that he said all the things that he said, knowing that they w be recorded and used to make a book that c be used for this. It is my belief that he w actually G. That’s how they are turning out to me, or for me. It seems like they were carefully constructed; to take a person through the process of growing righteousness, and like I say, warning of all the problems that come along, along the way. Tbh, it’s totally f. And tbh, the whole process is starting to scare me.
I kinda chose to not read the Bible anymore, bc I w reading it a lot, and I had a relapse, and I w scared that I w reading it too much. It w such a bad experience that it rly frightened me. I just recall them from memory now. I’m starting to feel tho, that I should go through the Bible again and have a look at them all, in this new context.
In the Gospel of Thomas, it says that once I trample my clothes under my feet, I w see J. That is terrifying; and so is the world rolling up like a mat, beneath my feet. Yk what, Ima never read that again, I feel. I’m even freaked out, recalling those words.
It’s kinda similar to the Hindu, escaping from the repeated cycle of birth and death. The only difference rly is that J says that generally people are born in the physical world and then evolve, maybe into a spiritual being. Some do some from heaven to here tho, and I believe that I am one of those.
If it wasn’t for the aggressive vibe of the Vedas and the Puranas, I w be reading them too. The way they share their vibe w the Bible is uncanny. I don’t value the Koran tho, it’s relevant to say. I feel it w made by man and not G.
Like I say, I’m feeling a little freaked out rn.
In Other News
I have beer today. I used to get so high off of it, when I w drink a Coke Before, tho I don’t do that bc I just get so narky. I feel like everyone is a poser, and I just feel like everyone is trying to ogle a look at me, or leer at me or whatever the f. I’ve even had everyone, I felt, trying to peer round the rim of my hat, when I tried to hide my face. It w such a bad trip, I don’t need that sh in my life. It’s a bit of a catch 22 situation; and I’m rly thinking that Ima do it anyway, Idk.
To The Parables
K
Miss K 