Hey

I’m down Ferry Meadows.

I honestly thought I had lost my damn mind and got dementia.

This lady w w her pug.  When she walked past me, it w a poodle.  I thought, oh sh’, I’m hallucinating.  Then I saw her jacket, and it w someone else.

I’ve been having similar experiences.  This kid w next to me, a dude, and I c hear girls talking all the time.  I thought I had lost it.

Then there w this girl at the bus station, and she w talking in a dude’s voice.  All of this together, and I thought I had gone mad.

I’m having Coke, before beerzies.

I w on the bus.. and I just felt that I had so much anger.  Like I w seething under the surface.  I w thinking about my amygdala, and how feeling that I came from abuse..

You see there is an initial abuse, I feel; and then the anger from that abuse is triggered endlessly.  I felt like I had like enlarged amygdala or something; like somekinda problem w just perpetual anger; from the physiology of my brain.

I feel I w get triggered, having Coke as well as beer.  It’s just, I choose that, over just not having the buzz I want.  I’m so scared of offending someone.  I’m worried that I w do that bc I’m so high.

I want to have just one beer a week, maybe.  I remember when I had just one, and it w a trip.  I w just go into this magical world, where making money online w so ridiculously easy, and it filled my self esteem and made me feel amazing.

The buzz of my beer is super important.  I went down from three beers a week, bc of this.

I feel that this anger w take months to clear.  I feel it is w is holding me back from youth.

This is the thing about goals; having identified the goal, it’s possible to work out the steps to get me there, and that is w I am doing here.

I’ve been here before, Just waiting for an improvement.  My life’s pretty good rn, and I w wait until it happens.

In Other News

I haven’t hear back, and I w have to go on the help pages of Meta, to see.  I reckon I’ll log into Insta and then click a link for help from there.  Idk.  I’m not going to worry about it.  It’s like J says.  Do not worry, each day has enough trouble of its own.

I’ve just opened my beer.

I feel a bit narky towards people.  I feel it’s the caffeine.  I noticed this before that I w getting more triggers, when I had a second cup.

Idk why I’m scared of getting dementia.  My mental health improves by the day.  There’s definitely like a huge insecurity there.  Sometimes I think that I have ASBD; why do I think this.  C it be that the mentally healthiest person is the one who asks themselves, herself, this question.  From my experience w narcissism, it’s commonly held that a narcissist w not.

I heard that a lot of the time, the narcissist w take the victim to therapy, so gaslight that they are indeed the problem, makes me quiver w disgust, that one.  Ik only too well how the victim, I feel, feels like the problem.

W|o the tools to spot abuse, w have been stripped away by the abuser, there is no awareness at all, that there is anything w w the abuser, I feel.  I honestly believe that it w J’s commandments that saved me.

This is one thing I love; when people talk about those that have ticked them off.  I don’t comment, I just sit there bathing in it; or basking in it, even.

To Escaping Abuse

K