Hey

I’m down Ferry Meadows.  I’m a bit triggered.

I had w sounded like a scam call, asking me to ad them on whatsapp.  I need to calm down and get alright in my head; tho there is this feeling that it c have been my agency and I should see if it w their number.

So I feel like I should disrespect myself, and get more triggered, figuring this out.  It’s not nice.

Ik that I should calm down; Ima do that.  It hurts on top of the trigger, bc I c lose this job, by respecting myself.  I’m so tempted to look, tho if I do, it c hurt me.

I’ve dressed in between the cold and the hot today.  It c be so warm later that I have to stop and take my fleece off.

I’ve decided that I just gonna respect myself.

It’s actually bc of the washing machine.  Had I listened to myself and just rung them up and asked them if there w something w w it, I w have been right.  My instincts are telling me to be kind to myself and that’s w I’m gonna do.  It’s rly f w my head tho.

It’s like one of them triggers that is bigger, bc it’s adding to another one.  My head’s full of cortisol rn.

There’s only one thing Ima do.  I must not get angry.  I tend to find people annoying af, bc it sounds like they are trying to get attention.  I must not get angry.

I saw all the kids come out of the school; and the looked dissociated.  C it be that for all of them, living w narcissistic parents is abusive.

All the anger and judgement and racism that I had been feeling.  It feels like narcissism to me.  I concluded that I feel that all adults are pathological narcissist; this bc they are always like it, and that is w pathological means.

That’s my take on it, that living w them has dissociated them, I feel.

In Other News

I just got someone got back to me about a job.  They want me.. they say they’re very keen to invite me to a telephone interview.  I’ve had the email for a couple hours, so I must give this my attention, even tho triggered.

It w not turn out that I am manipulated by a scammer tho, so at least there’s no risk of that.  Ima just finish here and then do it.

I’m so excited.  That w the only job that I have been for that I actually wanted it; and I wanted it bad.

Omg, there’s a bunch of kids behind me; and like f, they are not dissociated; maybe a little actually.

I am so excited.  I wanted this job @ an authentic level.  Something rly spoke to me, drawing me, drawing the actual person that I am, my ethics my beliefs, actually the fabric of me, in, to this offer, like a moth to a flame, if they want me, I am theirs, all of me.

It gives me something to believe in.  This w the only offer where the world seemed like it w right.  All the others felt like they were trying to devalue me, w their assessments.  It w a light, in a bleak world, shining out for all to see; bold and strong and confident, and ethical, valuing every individual person w|i that company, facilitating them in any role they wished to rise to.

It w insane.  It w the polar opposite, the complete opposite to all the others, how they seemed shady.

I’m nearly done, Ima smash that like button.

I’m so excited for this next step in my journey

To Dope Ass Change

K