Hey

It’s about two am, and I have my coffee

I tried to find how to see my chat, in Meta.  I w try again, maybe today.

I witnessed something disturbing between two school kids.  Someone pulled a knife.  It w rly hard to deal w.  One of the kids may have been slightly older.  All the teachers went running after him and they caught up w him, and radio’d for help.  I left at that point.

I want to not think about it, bc I w struggling to not judge for a long while yesterday; and I don’t want to feel like I have been judged for judging them, like I am less worthy or something.

That is a feeling that I rly don’t like.  It means that when people speak and say triggering things, I tend to think that it’s about me, and feel that I w deserve someone to say something like that.

The most toxic situations are the hardest ones to not judge.  It’s like there has to be an opinion; and also just generally.  They seem to agitate the thinker the most.  It feels like the dark side of humanity or something.

In Other News

I just wanna reiterate, like my interview at the job.

I mustn’t, like, expect to get a result.  I feel I k how to sell tho.  I should just say how much I resonate w the company, and feel like I w feel right at home.

I remember this girl down Ferry Meadows, saying that an interview is just trying to ascertain, whether the person is gonna fit it.  At that point, they already k that they can do the job.

Tbh, Idk.  I’m scared that the builder types w be toxic.  I remember being told that if I got a job like that, people w take the pi’ out of me all day long, so’s to speak.

I have to disagree w this.  I feel like it’s a very untoxic company.  Ik that I have had to get used to a hell of a lot, tho.  I’ve been hearing all these comments that just agitate me so much.  I feel that being a ten, is about handling w people say.

This guy on a bike was waving at me like an idiot, and I couldn’t figure out w the hell it w about.  As he cycled past me, he said, this is a cycle path, you donkey.

Tbh, I just ignore comments like that.  I feel that the person saying it deems it to be the most important thing in the world when it just isn’t, pragmatically speaking.  Like, listening to what he said just won’t practically do me any good, in the real world.

There w this guy, and he seemed to be in a nosh.  I thought I heard him say stuff twice.  It w like he w getting angry bc people were turning around when he w about, feeling like he w a robber.  I fear for how angry he gets over this, and what he might do to someone in anger.  Ik how consuming noshes can be and how much they destroy the thinker.

They seem to be a cycle that once in, it is impossible to get out of, and it only deepens and gets worse and worse, until the person is at breaking point.

I definitely witnessed some crazy stuff that day.  There’s nothing as queer as folk.

Just allowing myself to let go of anger, has been an invaluable tool in helping me to not get caught up in noshes.  One nosh that always tries to trap me, is feeling that people are unhealthy in the way that they look at me; kinda leering, and fixated, I feel.  In fact it’s the number one thing that I feel upset around, aside from posers.

Not getting angry has worked actually super well.  They only seem to do it, when I am upset in the first place, w that exact kind of behaviour; and yes, a nosh being a nosh, the cycle continues until I am royally upset.

It has saved me a lot of emotional pain in the just couple of days that I have been doing it.  It also works when I am socialising; just being calm around my friends, and not feeling like I’m being judged.

When I feel like they are judging me, it leads to anxiety w is upsetting.  If I don’t get angry, then it never leads to that.  I calm down the moment I feel myself do it, and it disappears, leading to a much happier time w them.

I also, like I say a lot, feel that a lot of these triggers are coming from the fact that the drug I’m on, f w my brain.  I should actually find life a lot easier to deal w when I come off it.  All these noshes might even disappear mostly.  I’m rly looking forward to that.

To Staying Out Of Noshes

K