Hey

I have come to Ferry meadows, to have chips.  It gets me out of the rain.

I have an extra hour, bc I don’t rly need to be back just yet.  I need to pick up some beer for the party.

At first I w gonna get sandwiches, bc I felt that no one w bring them; then I thought of beer; just a four pack.

It’s the last erm, play that w w have this year.  There is a coffee morning tho.  That w be super nice, bc pétanque will not be running for two weeks.

I promised myself that I w only drink once this week, bc it w make the buzz better.  Ima try and stick to this.

I love a party.  I used to go to them, at the church, when I w a kid.  They were such happy times.  I loved the rice thingy.

My chips just arrived.  They are steaming hot, and I w wait for them to cool for a bit, or maybe just have one, they are so tempting.  I think Ima sit here and nibble and type at the same time.

I’m kinda wondering whether it w rain right through October; it has been known.  I also k one October where toward the end, it w absolute brass monkey weather.

I used to go walking, throughout the year, w|o fail.  One winter I crunched through ice on a flooded field.  I w rly grateful to get on the bus, before my feet froze.

I felt like I had no social connections.  I w just walk and walk and walk; and it worked.  I survived surprisingly well.  The loneliness is something that I remember from my youth.  There’s something about it that I actually like.

Gk I couldn’t be like that now, it w drive me crazy.  I guess I’ve changed.  I’ve become a social creature.  I just need to be knowing what people are up to; tbh they never tell me, tho having them there just fills a void.  It’s like a need.  It’s like a need of empathy, for connection.  It’s something that before all this, I wasn’t aware of.

My friend tried to tell me.  It’s his mission to get people fw each other.  He says it never works.

I remember his club.  I w too ill to go.  I w go down there and have to go home.  I w trying so hard, I w, it w heartbreaking.  I felt worthless, like I w bad in some way, and that’s why I couldn’t do it.

It’s nothing but a distant memory for me now; thanks to the people I have met, at the clubs I go to.  Ik I must keep myself socially strong, and resist that lure of wanting to be alone.

I feel that fw all of them, has directly healed my schizoaffective disorder, as well as practising J’s commandments.  It has changed my world, forever.

I remember talking to my psychiatrist, saying that I felt like I w in a cage, like in a prison of my mind, that I could get out and be sociable w people, like I couldn’t connect w them.  I described dehumanisation of them that w happen in my mind and how I just couldn’t get near them emotionally.

I now sit back and, I have done it.  I have connected w people.  I feel I have done a good job there.  I remember a couple of people telling me how hard it can be, and that’s from people who have been fw people all their lives.

I w hard, I w feel so angry, like the anger I speak of, well it w rly bad, so much rage inside, and the fear that it w come out, that I w lose control.  It w cause anxiety attacks, every time I felt it.  I lived in fear of this rage and its feelings; for a little while and then soon I started to notice that I c control it, and that it w decreasing.

That process has gone on for quite a while and now I feel fairly comfortable around them, touch wood.

So much has changed for me in the last few years, thanks to G’s commandments and getting away from someone, and another person who I feel were abusive, and holding me back.

It w the hardest thing I have ever done, to stand up for myself that time, tho I see how it has changed my life and brought me closer to people who rly feel for others in a way that I didn’t know before.

So I value my clubs.  W|o them I am nothing, and Ik that; that’w the change, needing them.

To Connection

K