Hey

I’m down Ferry Meadows, having some CBD.

I find I’m dealing w a lot of things.  It’s like when People say things and it sounds like it means something.  There w so much, like a never ending barrage of it.

W surprised me w how I dealt, that I handled it.

Also, I just tell myself that Idk how to judge people, that Idek what judging is.  I have to tell myself that I am not someone who judges.  It’s like giving myself permission not to, and telling myself that I don’t know how to, just works

I’ve got to try the Insta help.  I’ve got to do it by 5pm, bc I feel that they close the link at that time.  I’m just gonna like hit the verify payment method link, and it takes me to customer support when my account is blocked.

There Ima bookmark the page, and check where it is in the Meta or Insta, and take screenshots.  It may disappear when I go back to the link.

I’m taking it very slowly.  I don’t feel going down three hour rabbit holes on how to do it, w have taken me to what I have thought of any quicker.

I w in a different world at Bowling.  I just didn’t feel anxious.  I felt like I c handle the social situation.  That is the complete opposite of when I started.  I w be highly triggered the whole time.  My mental health is rly getting a lot better.

I realise that all that w w w my head, w my programming.  It w just the way I thought.  When I w young, I w in a rage all the time, I never lost it tho, tho it w there, shaping how I dealt.

I had never noticed this before, and it led to all kinds of unhealthy thought patterns.  That’s why I say that the reason I w so unhealthy w just bc of how my mind was.

There like narcissistic rage, w is w I thought it w; like some kind of narcissistic injury.  I feel that I w suffocated when newborn; that c have caused it.  I had some kind of secondary psychopathy.

That’s why I’ve been feeling so f up in social situations, and why I just felt like I was gonna lose it at any moment.  I felt like top tier bananas, and I guess I kinda was.

I feel like I’ve been trying to do a whole lifetimes worth of understanding people, in just like one year.  I had no idea how to deal, I w so clueless, just holding onto J’s commandments to get me through it.  I have learnt to deal tho.

I w very much like a child, a f up child, I feel.  Now mentally I am older, that is how it is; and I guess it doesn’t matter what age someone is mentally.  I just needed time to grow.  I guess as an adult I rly need to be able to act like one.

That’s rly where all the pressure w coming from.  Like, if I w actually a child, there w be no expectation and I w be looked after anyways, so there w be no need.

I’m sitting there like a child who is getting angry; as an adult, or I was.

The anger has settled a lot, ever since I realised that it w the problem and that alls I needed to do w just stop feeling it and calm down.

That’s what’s made things so much better w me being able to handle all the things that people say, as I said.  It has made me at long last, feel chill at Bowling, like I said.

At last a real feeling of being able to cope and not just so much turmoil inside.  It w exhausting, and now I’m just a little less wiped out.

To Being More Energised

K