Hey

It’s one am, I have my coffee

I think I may have done something kinda stupid.

W Covid, it’s called a zytokine sh’ storm.  That’s the bio process that causes death.  It’s basically a chain reaction of inflammation.

I don’t think I’ve got Covid, tho if I have it c have kicked this off; having sesame, w I’m allergic to.

I w celebrating my illness being gone, bc my fever had gone.  I hope that’s true.  I just woke up coughing like crazy.

I rly need a boost to my self esteem.  I feel this illness is challenging that.

It must be nice for people who are snobs, they never feel that they have low self esteem, they always feel that they are better than others; tho personally, I w never want to be a bigot, bc I have tried it, and it’s no bueno.

They can get to a certain stage of life, lose their job, and not feel like they’a get another one, feel totally on the scrap heap.

What I’m fw here, is totally the opposite to that; that’s the stage of life that I am at.

Imagine feeling like I am better than other people, and relying on that at an interview; talkabout entitled.

Well, I’ve tried that, and I’m never going back to that.  Idc about anything, that’s who Ima be; that, in and of itself, is worse case scenario.

It’s sad that people are unaware of internal states, that it’s not worth touching.  Whatever position I land in, at least I have my standards; and face it, wherever I end up, is probably a good fit, bc they liked me at the interview.  I w find plenty of people to fw.

I must stay w the people I am fw now.  J warns that the house is put in order and the floor is swept clean, and then that person finds seven more evil spirits, and the condition of the person is worse than the first.  I take this warning seriously.

I love the bible, as it shows me all the steps on how to avoid problems, as I follow his commandments.  It’s all pretty simple rly; apart from, I never k what, do not throw your pearls to swine meant, until it w too late.  I feel that’s bc my former abuser’s evil, and kept me from seeing dangerous people w real awareness.

It’s called a schit, and is why survivors of abuse, can’t see abuse when it comes up.  It causes the mental health problems that they have.

Luckily, now I see that commandment for w it is, I guess my schit is minimal.  I just stay the f away from everyone.  They all seem like a danger.

Idk what stage of development I am at, either.  Have I fully grown up now, Idk.  I kinda feel like I’ve been dumped here and asked to get on w it.

The help I w offered w contrary to J’s commandments, w w to judge everyone as much as possible.  Boy am I glad I didn’t listen to that one.  Not judging rly is the one and only pleasure in my life.  I feel it’s why everyone treats me like a princess, and is something that I c never go w|o.  I never want to go back to who I w, rly the product of abuse, I feel, or just being older, one or the other.

I mean, I am like fifty.  That’s a whole lifetime of judgement to get past, and it took forever, especially from that background, I feel.

It’s how amazing, that I w just able to change so much, just by changing my thoughts.  Go J.  It’s literally a roadmap to being super dope.

I suppose there’s fear that having dropped all that toxicity inside, no one w be interested.  They are so nice to me tho Idrly fear that.

Even the young lady, who interviewed me, w so nice to me when she let me down.  Yk, as long as people are like that, I don’t have a problem, and feel motivated to carry on.  That’s empathy; it’s a powerful force.

I have to do w I can, regardless of any risk.  I w kinda scared of all the things that c go wrong, tho Ima just not think about it.  The world rly is a scary place.  Not listening to fear, rly has been my go-to lately.  It has served me very well.

To Not Listening To Fear

K