It’s about four forty am, and I have my coffee. I’ve had to throw one away, after the timer going wrong.
I w thinking, that, all along, the one thing that I w have liked the most, w be to k that, following J’s commandments w rly do the job, bc of all the persecution that is involved; like that one w hard for me, where it says leap for joy, rejoice and be glad.
I w sat down Ferry Meadows, yesterday, and it came to me. I felt that, as my current situation has improved a lot, bc of following them, so w my future one; and I felt that, when it w do, it w lead to me feeling more in heaven. This made me feel good.
I then started letting people’s happy bc of wealthy vibes in, and it rly felt amazing. It felt like I had my self esteem, properly back. I just wanna hold that feeling for a minute.
It w w my search for self esteem w all about like all my life; through times of ASBD abuse, just feeling so f up, just wanting to feel alright just for a moment, through the whole, of my following J period, etc.
It w that I had reached the point, that all my life I had been trying to get to, tho I still k that there’s more.
It w stressful, having had that second caffeinated drink of the day, tho. I managed to calm down while watching an ASMR video. I w rly struggling, tho I managed to just stop thinking about it in the end; and she congratulated me at the end of the video, for doing so well, w w rly nice.
I w watching DollBlush, and rly getting where she w coming from, tho I feel that there is more work to be done. Like I’ve said before, I w feel more real, when I reduce the medication. It w also make working easier as it slows me down.
The interview, I w asked, how I w deal w there being a huge queue; and I said, like I’d just be gutted that I c only say, Hey, how’s it going to each person. I remember how I used to be the fastest worker ever. I w once told that I w like a rocket, w w true af. I suppose that’s the only challenge the speed, and that’s not even a problem.
The medication does make me triggered tho. It’s quite nasty stuff. I’ve seen an MRI of someone thinking, and I feel that it’s dopamine that allows the thoughts to travel round, so the medication w mess w that, w is probably why it is a black box medication, it messes w the brain at the most fundamental level.
It’s a hard time for me, bc my abuser w devalue me, and try to enslave me back in an abusive situation w psychological abuse, extremely frightening, so Ima not go to her for help, so I’m totally on my own. I have to just trust, so that’s w Ima do. It actually makes me a little sad, that she’s not rooting for me and wanting to support me in healing, I feel.
Self esteem is necessary for functioning properly, that’s the rly sad thing about abuse. Just hurts so bad, that someone c shove in my face, my lack of being able to function, as proof of my lack of worth, I feel. Abuse is a nosh, a cycle that the abuser perpetuates. Any assertion that the way I w being treated w w in any way, just deepened that chokehold, I feel. That’s why I am so terrified to go back, probably never will, I feel.
I feel, it’s like being played w, by an animal that w going to eat me, for an entire lifetime. How do I quantify the damage done by someone who took my feelings all my life, I feel.
That’s why I follow J’s commandments, I am trying to undo the damage and make it mean something. I rly need those years back; and to some extent, I now have my life again.
Sobering af.
I suppose that’s why I felt so rejected by the assessments on jobs. I felt that they were trying to continue that abuse, and keep me out of life. I’m rly freaking out rn, Ima stop.
I feel it’s true tho, that it doesn’t matter how hard it is, on the path to getting into heaven. I feel that, it’s either at the end of this life, or it becomes harder. J says, enter through the narrow gate, for broad is the road and wide is the gate, that lead to destruction, and many enter through it.
I just need to hold this energy for a minute. It’s dark in here, and that helps.
Being mentally healthy, involves feeling like there is nothing w, and that is my goal.
To Healing
K
Miss K 