Hey

I just had a call off, people saying they maintain my solar panels.  I felt like it c have been a scam.  One way round this is to, call my housing association and find out, who maintains them, and give them a call.  It w hard for me to put the phone down

I just had a visit from the lady who helps me tidy up.  She is nice, and I’m grateful for her help.  I never learned how to, bc I feel I come from abuse.  It has been great learning this skill.  It makes me so happy that Ima have a tidy home now.

And once I’ve learned it, I rly can’t unlearn it, so I w have that skill for life.  I’m still trying to keep on top of it tho.

I can actually relax now.  I had been doing stuff since I got home.  I’ll probably be asleep soon.

It makes me sad af, that these are the times we are living in.

Knit and Natter w great.  I said to one of the girls, that I enjoyed it, and that it w good to have something in my life that I enjoyed.

I feel triggered, bc of that call, a little; w is okay, it happens from time to time.

I feel that work, w be like the tidying up.  I w get good at it; and eventually enjoy it.  That’s rly what I’m hoping for, that I find that it’s what I want to be doing every day, that it’s better than the clubs I do.

Ik my body needs to move, or I w get depressed.  I also feel that I suffer from low self worth, and have always done, getting support for schizophrenia.  I am taking responsibility for my actions, and living by that.

I feel that should help me to feel more ethical.  I always feel like I don’t say bad things about people who do bad things.  Idk if it’s bc, I don’t judge, and haven’t done now for like six years, or is it bc I am not used to taking responsibility, I feel.  Have I lost my sense of right and wrong, Idk.

I suppose I’m just not used to being this person.  All the people I’m around w like rly get on one, over people they feel are doing bad sh.  I’m just not like that tho, and it c be affecting my self esteem.  I feel horrible.

I feel like I should think very bad thoughts about them, and I don’t, bc I don’t judge and this leaves me feeling like something is w w me.  I feel it is the pressure to judge that is doing it.

It’s hard for me to like say anything toxic about my n’as.  I w brought up, I feel, so internalise every time someone did something bad to me, feeling like I w the one in the wrong.  I w blame myself, every time there w an issue w someone, and have a panic attack.

I’ve just got to get comfortable, w saying that it might be them; who are affecting my self esteem, and I might not be a bad person.

Ik everyone is evil.  Ik that we all do stuff that is not the best; taking that into account.

I feel that it’s okay for my friends to affect my self esteem, I don’t think there is anything w w that, per se.  It’s just an uncomfortable feeling.  I may even have just headed it off, by journaling about it.

I am aware that I have a very young mindset; it’s following J’s commandments.  They have literally made me hella less demented, fr.  It has opened me up to the reality of much younger people.

I also feel like kinda a perv, and I feel that’s the pressure of being around people who w probs think me like pervy or something for just vibing w young people, I feel.  Idk.

This c be total nonsense.  Maybe I’m just dealing w shame, like processing it; and going through the process of realising that I have it; and realising that I have it, w make it go away; kinda like feelings, they have to be felt to go away.

I kinda feel bad for throwing shade at them, tho I still c be right, in there being truth in it.  They are the best thing that ever happened to me, by far, btw.

That is one thing that I noticed w becoming less toxic, is that the toxicity of other people rly gave me anxiety, and then I kinda got used to it, and it went away; mostly.

My numbers w be in for my website, soon.  I hope that there are more people enjoying it.  I rly feel that it has gotten better, over the last little while.  My self esteem has been going up.  I feel young again.

Like, I can’t stress enough, how much I vibe w young people, and how that makes me feel, shame.  It’s also like people my age are supposed to not vibe w them.  Omg, I nearly started crying then, it’s rly hard being like this.

Again, I think it’s just shame.  It’s good to feel it, bc it’s there.

I feel so much now.  When I w young, I felt zero emotion, and all my life.  This rly is nicer problems to have.  It hurts inside, for struggling bc I like a certain demographic, rly like.  Like they are my true vibe; there you go, I said it.

I think I’m starting to cry.

I mean to accept it, is to also accept that I, have that youth energy that I lost, when I w like twenty.  It’s to accept that it is possible for someone old, to, get their sanity back; for I always felt that I w sane when I w younger, and lost it at twenty.

Now I have it back, tho it means that I’m not congruent w people my own age; and that scares me, who Ima fw?

I think this anti aging thing rly is happening to me, bc these are rly strange feelings.  The fact is that I have gotten younger, in my mind.  Now alls I need is for my body to catch up.  It’s a lot of change.  I f love it, actually.

I feel that people have a happiness when they are young, that older people don’t have.  I c be wrong tho; G, this is messing my head up, Ima stop.

Again, nicer problems to have.

I never had a healthy relationship, all my life.  They were all unhealthy ones.  It’s wac to be treated well, and for my boundaries to be respected.  It’s still gonna take time.

To Being A Vampire

K