Hey

4

I’m down Ferry Meadows, having CBD.

I judged this morning; a lot, for like two hours.  At the end I started judging myself; that’s how it goes.  I w saying that people w never employ me, bc I just don’t fit any kind of preconceived dogma they are looking for.  That’s judging them, tho it’s also judging me.

I w actually taken aback, by how much I w judging.  Ik from previous experience, that, I need to judge for a couple of days straight, to literally think that people are talking sh, about me, so I just am not rly too bothered.  Obs, I don’t want to keep that in my routine.

There w this woman, today; I felt she w trying to walk my legs.  I just took a deep breath, and handled it.  Normally, I w have found this upset me quite a bit.

I wonder if anything happens to the people, I find super triggering.  Does the trigger that I feel sets me off, do anything to them; are they punished for it.

When J says to jump for joy, bc of persecution.. does he mean that it’s metaphysical.. that the act of dealing, when someone does something that I don’t deserve.. does it metaphysically level me up.

Or am I being levelled up every day, by the fact that I don’t judge, and it’s just that in the long run, I w level up, and that’s why he says that to.. rejoice and be glad over it.

It makes sense, bc they only do this, to people w high self esteem, bc they have like the opposite, rly low self esteem, I feel, so rly what it means, is that, I am blessed to have them doing this.

I wish I had J to ask, what his commandments mean.  I feel confused; especially over the one that says, do not throw your pearls to swine, or give what is sacred to dogs.

Like, I think we all, w like to k, when to stand up for ourselves, that we never do or say anything f up, and go down the snakes and ladders.

What I do know, is that, Ima never have a go at anyone, I feel.  I see beauty, as something that is earned; and it can be stolen back, by bad behaviour.  Literally balancing on beauty here, and c fall off at any time, it’s rather scary rly, and absolutely beautiful at the same time.

Tbh, I feel I am right at the bottom like a bottom feeder in the lake.  I c go any lower.  I’m even struggling to get a job.  Idk if that is true.  It may just take time, and it’s the job a narcissist w deem to be allowing that person zero value.

I’m just saying, I’m not that bothered about losing value.  I feel I’m humble enough.

The sun just came out.  It’s not something that I take for granted anymore.  It’s nice.  Tho we have had an exceptionally hot year, again.

I bought a soup container.  I w be able to have hot soup for lunch.  I got the 200ml one, w is never gonna be 200ml, thinking about it, bc they do them in ounces, w w mean I w definitely be able to get my soup in.

I bought some Heinz tomato, bc it w on offer.  I f love Heinz tomato.

I need a loaf of bread; I’ll have to get one of those nice farmhouse loaves, to have w it.  They’re just better bread.

There w these two guys in town, and they said that it w their bread.  They do a good job of making it.  I’ve got to go in ASDA anyway, tho I’m f if Ima remember what I need in there.

I went for the tiniest container.  I struggle w having too much in my bag.  Does anyone feel me, when I say shopping weighs a ton.

I honestly feel that someone is gonna employ me as a f manager, or something.  That’s my mindset.  Like, the bible says that I have to go for the lowest seat at the banquet, and the host, w invite me up to the seat of honour.  That’s what I’m going for.

I think that’s accurate.  I feel that I am going for the lowest jobs, and it feels like they treat their staff like sh, bc they are running assessments, that I feel lower my self esteem like f.  I actually feel worthless after doing a few, like I don’t deserve that job; at all.

To Being Offered The Seat Of Honour

K