It’s midnight, and I have my coffee
I feel the answer to racism, is to not be racist. I feel that it is born out of a mind, that judges a lot. Aside from that, Ima pay it no mind.
It’s beer day today; and I’ve got to go Mahjong; w I’ve never been to before, so I hope that I find it’s okay. The guy sounded nice. It’s a huge group w like seven or eight tables.
My coffee this morning is gorgeous. I love this Papua New Guinea. Waitrose does all these single origin ones w is fab. I wanna try them all.
I remember, when I felt like I w get sleazed on, if, when, I let my guard down. This is like walking to town; and I see now, what a success it w doing that; letting my guard down.
This means that there is hope for me. I’m scared that I judge a lot; yes, me. I feel that all my problems are caused my judgement; and worry, tho mostly judgement. I feel like I had an ick. I still have one, like I feel I’m getting triggered bc people are so toxic.
Most of the bull sh has stopped tho. I w find people side eyeing the f out of me. I w just be sat in Queensgate, and they w like be ‘watching me the whole time they walked past’, I felt. Now they don’t.
What changed it for me, w not getting angry at them. It literally stopped overnight. It w a nosh. The more angry I got, the more I felt they did it, and it w get me so angry that I w get rly upset; and I w live in fear of them doing it. I felt like it w ruining my quality of life, till now.
I did have someone, I feel, try to walk my legs yesterday, w I dealt w, tho I feel it’s just accepting people as they are.
The moral of this story is is that, it doesn’t have to ruin my day, it doesn’t even have to bother me. I don’t even feel indignated over it. Let’s be honest, I used to be way more toxic than any of these people, and it’s easy to forgive them from that standpoint.
In Other News
I had this hottie, say to me that, You Are. Idk what I am, I guess she meant that I’m hot; w explain w everyone w Idk, uncomfortable around me, I guess.
I remember when I w toxic. If there w anyone hot on the bus, I w just be wigging the f out. I honestly couldn’t handle it at all. I suppose that that is their reality, that they suffer w incredibly low self esteem.
Maybe they aspire to be like me, I remember that I used to. I saw people who stuck in my head. They were super confident, and attractive. I have to be that for them, that’s my job, and it’s a rly important one. It gives them something to strive towards, it gives them hope.
May they never forget me, like I never forgot them.
Maybe these are the ones who w rise out of toxicity, the ones who I felt uncomfortable around, like they needed something from me that I felt I couldn’t give them; tho I can, and do.
They’re right at the bottom of the self esteem tree, maybe in a lifelong abusive situation. It gets better, way better. I rose to the top; now I don’t give a f about anyone. I don’t feel that anyone is better than me, Idc.
It makes it that much sweeter as well, having had to fight for it; feels like I rly deserve it; tho, like I say, one mean comment to someone, and I am dunked back down into feeling worthless.
The reason for this is bc, I w start to judge. I w judge that w I said w right, out of an inability to accept that I w wrong. This w destroy my self esteem. As I judged, I w be judging myself and therefore feel utterly worthless. I don’t take for granted, being here. It’s kinda scary actually, that I c lose me.
We all c lose me, tho; that’s the point, ourselves.
That’s why J says, those who exalt themselves w be humbled; bc people who think they are above other people w be rude and then out of grandiosity never admit that mistake, and through judgement, like I say, reduce themselves back down to someone worthless. The humble w also be exalted. That one’s easy, it’s just that people won’t let one rob self esteem or bully it out of people, it has to be given freely. Cherie Lorraine has a pillow, that says, sew kindness, gather love; it goes something like that.
Success can be robbed or bullied for, self esteem cannot. I don’t feel that money w make me happy; w|o self esteem. I trust that it w come, in due time.
To Self Esteem
K
Miss K 