Hey

I’m down Ferry Meadows, having CBD.

I felt persecuted this morning.

This guy said to me how rough it w for this girl to throw this guy, out on the street.

I think both genders have fears.  The man c get angry at being thrown out, and the woman may feel that bc of his physical size, she is being bullied into a relationship she doesn’t want.  Ima not judge that anyone is right, Ima just point that out.

I feel that fear is the enemy here.  It comes from a mind that if full of worry and judgement.  I remember how I used to feel that Ima get into something that I am forced to be in.  That w a long time ago, before I started working on myself.

I feel that indulging in these fears is what makes them real.  The mind becomes so adept at feeling these fears that they take over the consciousness, due to constantly demanding more space in the brain.

I felt like there was some kinda gender war going on, and I had been involved.  It w probably just him voicing disgust at what had happened, and valuing me enough to tell me.

I value feeling persecuted, bc J says, great is your reward in heaven.

The way I see it, is.. I didn’t say anything back, tho I felt super hurt.  I feel that all life is about is not offending people.  I feel that once someone is offended somehow, the offender goes down like a snakes and ladders slide, to a lower spiritual state.

What this means is that instead of having a leg down, I got a leg up.  I feel righteousness is not about climbing, it’s about avoiding going down.  It’s like a cumulative thing, over several years, me gradually raising my energy.

That’s why it’s important to not exalt myself; bc I w say something mean to someone, in a similar situation.  I value my humility and choose to keep it.

I feel people try and raise their social level by getting money, job, etc, tho what I value, is feeling like I am not above anyone, bc it keeps me actually at a higher value, a higher energy.

Ik it’s emotional abuse to say that to a female, they say.  The thing is is tho, that, they don’t see me as female and want to share these things w me, and I want them to as well, even if they hurt.

I couldn’t bear being seen as someone who w take offence at this, even tho I felt like I had.  It’s not about reputation, it’s about respect.  How could I feel self esteem if people didn’t respect me.  It w be clouding my happiness, and driving me to expect abusive behaviour off people, I w be in hell.

Hell is everywhere, and it is in everyone, as the outside is hallucinated from the inside, and every quality of it created.  A hell inside means a hell outside.  Should someone judge the outside, they create a hell inside; then the hell inside, projects that hell outside, creating hell on earth, for the thinker.

I am in heaven bc I allow men to respect me, even if it hurts.  That is heaven to me, and I don’t mind.  It’s kinda like being in a close relationship, tho I am close to the people I am around on the regular.  They must value me the way I value them.

I’ve waited so long, to feel like there is genuine reason why being persecuted, is of immense value.  I felt that today and that is good.  I like to k the truth of J’s commandments.  I trust them more if, when, Ik where they are coming from.  They make sense to me rn.

It’s like therapy.  Sometimes it hurts, and that’s okay.  There’s sometimes this joy afterwards on recovering, that feels so amazing, and that’s what I feel today.

I’ve recently been telling myself there is no point getting upset.  That is more true as time passes

To Persecution

K