Hey

It’s two thirty am, and I have my coffee

I have rly been shocked at the amount of judging, I have been doing in the last few days.  Ik that it is unhealthy for my mind.  I feel low self esteem, bc of having done it, as when I judge someone, I’m rly judging myself.  Ik that I shouldn’t have the part of my mind that judges, and that having it is causing mental ill health.

I feel I w just triggered, bc I got scared about w w said.  I felt threatened, terrified in that moment, actually.  I feel it coloured my perception of w happened.

I feel that’s the problem w contemporary psychology.  It deems stuff like that to be emotional abuse.  If I deem it too, it causes me to judge.  I wonder if this town, is actually very emotionally abusive.  I seem to be catching this everywhere I go; tho, like I say, that irrelevant.

I think it’s the old thing of, when I commit to being a certain way or doing something important, G tends to block me.  Idk why this is.  I am committed tho.  I w get there again, where I don’t wish to judge at all, judge anyone for anything.

I felt the wickedness inside, wanting to get the person in trouble, the judgement, in and of itself, hate towards that person.  I rly dislike that I felt that way.  I shouldn’t be capable of those feelings.

It also makes me happy, that I have been trying to not judge for six years now.  Ik how toxic it is.  I’m proud of myself.

It’s judgement that blocks me from feeling proper reality.  It is taking up space in my brain map for something that is not reality, and goes against reality.  I long, so hard for it to be gone.  That’s why this disappoints me rn.

J does say tho, to leap for joy, when there is persecution.  I kinda do.  I had been telling myself for a little while now to not even bother getting upset.  There w no point, I had learned that if I w upset, I wasn’t thinking right.

Ik that great is my reward in heaven, tho it has left me not feeling right.  I’ve had a look w|i, and I don’t like w I see.

J says, a righteous man, brings good things out of his storehouse, bc what the mouth speaks is what the heart if full of, and a wicked man brings out evil.  I had wicked feelings w|i me.  I don’t want that part of me.

I feel I must continue to not judge and worry, until that part of me is totally gone.  Will this leave me defenceless, Idec.

Judgement is not about feeling that people aren’t wicked w w they say.  It’s about me not being wicked on hearing them.

I’ve listened to people who psychology w say, were emotionally abusing me, and I’ve just felt that it w sad that they were that way; they were being hateful, rly, or judging harshly at best.  I just want to feel sad for them when they speak this evil, I mustn’t feel them of low value as people.

When I judged them, I w rly looking at myself, looking at the uncleanness that w inside, I w looking at me, I w judging myself.  I don’t like w I saw, and it feels like it w take years before this part of me is gone, it has taken years to get this far.

It w like, suddenly I w feeling like I had real value, and I used that value to think badly of others.  I feel ashamed.

I do feel tho, that they are far behind me in their journey.  I look back on who I used to be, when I w wac, and I easily feel that they are poorly.

If I feel lonely bc I want to go back to heaven, I must remember that reality, that utopian vibe is w|i me, and through not judging, I w let it out.  I w feel whole again.  Ima be in heaven while here, bc Ima bring a piece of it w me.

I can’t be in heaven while unclean.  I must continue to follow J’s commandments, and become more righteous.  It’s a need w|i me.  I have always been like it, ever since I lost it when I hit my twenties.  This motivates me more.  Maybe that is the purpose of persecution, to make me feel like offended at what I saw w|i and give me that motivation to reach my goal.

I don’t feel more unclean than before, I just feel disappointed, and need to work hard for my goal.  I exalted myself and have been humbled.  The purpose of righteousness is not to look down on others.  It is the fact that they look down on others that means they err.  My head is spinning.

I rly thought I w there.  I felt I had reached some state of existence.  It w just a nice place to be.  I am still there, still here.  It’s only natural that I needed to think that I w healthy.  It w have been nice to think so.  I don’t even think there is such a thing.  It’s like it is this never ending road of perpetual spiritual growth.

I wasn’t rude to anyone, I have kept the righteousness that I had.  It has shown me how easily lost it c be.  It is borrowed, not owned.  This w be a valuable lesson, giving me strength in the future to be strong and not have harsh feelings towards others, out of a genuine fear of losing it.

I c lose my very self.  That’s a hard lesson.

To Humility

K