I’m down Ferry Meadows, having CBD.
I want to start talking about something; about my dehumanisations of people. It’s kinda the same thing that I feel, when I am at groups. It feels like a mild version of narcissistic rage.
I get the same thing, when I am out and about, just feeling that people are janky. It doesn’t help that this place has been dubbed, worst place to live. It kinda fooled me for a while, as I felt I must be right for feeling them, whatever I dehumanised them as.
It lies w|i me. It’s a choice. It’s the gateway, to the reality I want. For the longest time, I thought that it wasn’t possible, to stop these feelings towards them. they were based on feeling emotional pain and blaming them, and feeling angry at them, at kinda looking down on them for it, like they were miscreants or something.
I remember times, when I couldn’t give myself permission to make psychological changes w|i myself, and it held me back; like when I couldn’t be kind to myself. That w a choice. My boss had shown me kindness, perpetually, and I had reached a point, where I said to myself that little by little, I w gonna start being kind to myself. That changed everything, my anxiety started to lessen.
It’s rly understanding the power of a choice, that it can change everything, tho choices have to be made. Up until the point I make that choice, I am not healing the way I could.
I now have a choice, and that is to block out these dehumanisations of people that I have, questioning their worth, strangers that I walk past.
This is the door way to the reality I want. It is w I have been wishing and hoping for all my life; since losing it when I w like nineteen. And how can I expect them to respect me, when I don’t respect them
It’s like a mutual nosh. We get angry at each other. There are plenty of people, walking around, looking to look at people, like they are Less Than. I feel that by looking down on them, I fall into that trap.
I’ve had this mutual thing before, when I w at the checkout w a n’a, and I felt we both thought of each other as racist, and I w end up having an anxiety attack. It’s kinda the same thing, tho a little more low key; and it involves everyone just looking at me, and everyone else, like they are worthless; and me doing it to them, and.. I guess they can see it in me, and do it back.
This is all in my head tho, and Ima not judge whether it is actually happening, that’s irrelevant, like all judgement.
Like I say, it is a choice, to leave that reality. You see the issue is me looking down on them, bc somehow it causes me like anxiety attacks. I suppose it makes me angry, bc I feel like everyone is a horrible person, and to feel like I’m living in that kind of a town, just f me up, every time.
The choice that I have, is to, not see them that way, just suppress it when it pops up, and kinda pep talk myself into not doing it, saying to myself that these dehumanisations, are covering my empathy, and stopping me from feeling my emotions and feelings. That’s why I have emotionally unstable personality disorder. That helps w making that decision, the one that w open the door to healing. It can’t be made for me, I have to make it.
I suppose that it’s like AA. The person has to start by saying that they have a problem, or there is no point being there, bc they w reject all help. I don’t underestimate the power of a choice.
It’s hard to leave them in this reality and move on. I am still angry at them for all the emotional pain I have been through. This is about me being happy. Ima either keep looking down on them, and be in pain, or stop, and be in true reality, where I just feel all my feelings.
Idek if I have been there before. I w abused, I feel, right from birth. Have I ever known the reality that this w put me in, Idk.
To The Power Of Choice
K
Miss K 