Hey

It’s four thirty am, I have my coffee

I’m thinking about fear; how I feared going out, bc I thought I w be taken advantage of.  I feel scared of my neighbour rn.

It’s hard w worry bc Idk whether I have something to worry about.  I c just be having my midnight bout of, ill mind set.

It has pretty much resolved itself.  I remembered the passage in the Bible where J says that they devour widows houses, and for a show make lengthy prayers, they w be severely punished.

It’s hard for me to k my boundaries, w I deserve to say no to.  I feel he has no right to a key to my place.  It’s just rly knowing that I have the right to say no, that’s what gives me anxiety.

For a while, I w think that the bible was saying I had to do things that it wasn’t actually saying, and it w breaking through my boundaries and giving me a lot of anxiety.  I w trying too hard.

I feel it’s about men too.  They can say things that seem super cruel, and then I judge them for it.  The judgement does harm to my soul.

Women have also been cruel, I feel; saying things about trans, right in front of me.  It’s like, bc she is a girl, Ima not even feel stressed about it; why can’t I do this for a man.  The dehumanisations came thick and fast, and I ended up feeling like the sh bag I had deemed him to be.  I felt utterly worthless.

J also says, do not judge, you will also be judged; so that c mean that my judgement is just, tho Ima be judged also if I judge, so it’s better not to.  Idk, Idc, Ima just not do it.  It’s the figuring out if something is right or not that does the harm.  It kinda short circuits the brain, leading to anxiety, and confusion.

I had the tea and talk, yesterday.  It w great.  I met a lot of people, and w warmly welcomed.  I kinda feel stressed, when people show me empathy, tho I w alright.  It’s hard meeting new people.

I feel all these rooms that I have walked into when I didn’t know anyone w stand me in good stead for the future.  Going in and just being in a strange environment, w strangers is like a skill.

This gives me something to do on Wednesdays, w is fantastic.  I just feel so much better w something to do.  I also talked w the cannon, about following J’s commandments, w w nice.  He said to me that he felt that there w never any point to worry.  Tbh, I have never found a use for it.  I replied that judging w also irrelevant.

I feel that people don’t understand that not judging doesn’t mean to not deem the person to be the negative thing I think they are.  It just means that Ima not think about it.  J warns not to throw your pearls to swine or give w it sacred to dogs.  I take this to mean, to never think that everyone is clean of sin, this w lead to when he says, they w turn and tear you to pieces, I feel.

That w w scared me for such a long time.  My reality w precious to me.  I felt that I had the right to keep it, and not judging w break it down.  Yes, my judgements have moved to the back of my mind, tho my reality has gotten much stronger and is in way better shape for having taken on this commandment.  I feel firmly rooted in reality, and tbh it feels amazing.

W the fear, I just tell myself that I w scared to not be angry all the time, when I w walking bc I felt I w be taken advantage of.  When I bet that I c do it and not suffer, everything changed.  This here, is a similar leap of faith.  I have to resist the fear and wait till I feel safe again, w won’t be long.  I’m kinda feeling it already.

The workmen downstairs were laughing belly laughs, bc ‘she said no, he would have moved them all in’ and it sounded like he had tried it on w one of the other neighbours, and the whole thing just felt ridiculous.

In Other News

I didn’t get a reply from Facebook.  I guess, like I said, I had to put something isn’t working, or they just don’t get back to me, like the webpage said.

At first I didn’t rly trust them, bc it w just a random webpage I found on the internet.  Tho, I’m thinking I might.  I don’t want to do email, bc I don’t like help by email.

This is actually my longtime worst fear, not being able to access help for one of my software platforms.  It’s one hell of an inconvenience.  It’s taken weeks to get sorted.

I want to be lowly like a child.  That’s why I don’t judge.  J said something about needing to be lowly like a little child.  This w hard for me, bc Idek what boundaries are, so I feel like it put me in danger.  I broke my leg, bc I threw my pearls to swine, I feel.  That’s rly what I mean when I say I tried to hard.  I also had a homeless person who I felt used to bother me all the time, causing me constant panic attacks.

To Learning What To Say No To

K