Hey

I’m down Ferry Meadows, having beer; I already had coffee.

I feel a little upset.  I want to talk about persecution.  Long story short, I felt that it helped me.  I w able to feel through these dehumanisations I w have as I socialised w the friends.  I got right to the end of our club, and then I got a little upset.  I feel that this is the best I have done.

I also felt people get upset, just before I got upset, I c tell.  This is new to me, rly, to be so present that I notice.  They were only mildly upset and it wasn’t that obvious.

This kinda makes me wonder, should I be holding space that persecution is a negative thing, Idek.  Ik that it hurts, tho it is healing me, I feel.  They do say that G works in mysterious ways.

I’m aware that, writing this blog is a responsibility, to not say anything about my friends.  Idek how to approach this.  I suppose, no matter how upset I feel, just leave them out of it.

Even tho I’m triggered, and it’s pretty mild tbh.. Ima still use my empathy.  It is still working.  I’m able to control these negative feelings that I have about people.  In fact, I rly feel that something has changed in me; it feels like it’s all gone.  Where did it go, Idk.

I feel bad for writing about my boss.  I made it clear that it w my feelings.  I feel bad for writing about my neighbour too.

I had rly conquered, having these feelings about people, and I must just look forward.  I’m pretty satisfied w my healing, and I never felt that way before.  Like I say, it feels like the persecution had something to do w it.  It’s never bother me again, I feel.

I remember feeling shame, and then feeling that it w wrong, and that I wasn’t respecting my friends by feeling it.  It w such an amazing experience.  I no longer feel controlled by my anxiety.

It’s just like I said; ignore the fear and like 24 hours later it’s gone.  It played out exactly as I thought.  I am jumping for joy, just as the bible says; I feel free.

I had well exalted myself, when other people don’t have emotionally unstable personality disorder.  I wish to put that behind me.  Tbh, I see my psychiatrist telling me that I don’t have that either.  Like I say, I felt bad for them, bc they felt a little upset, only a little bit tho, tho it still made me feel for them.

Tbh, I feel guilty.  I feel like I have imposter syndrome.  How did I get to heal, when others did not.  I remember when someone told me that J’s commandments heal all sorts of things.  I’ve heard it from someone who knows.  I feel overwhelmed; w how much they have helped me, and so sad that there are so many that don’t know of their power.  I don’t feel like I deserved it, I’m crying.

Tbh, I never thought that I w get over it, till now.  I don’t even see it as a huge challenge, anymore.  I feel like this is what I have been waiting for all my life, and it now feels real to me.

It w always about wanting to be young again.  I w sick and now I am less feeling like it even is a major problem.  G is good.  She is the only one that is good.  J says that no one is good except G alone; makes sense to me rn.

I suppose that Ima just get on w my life now.  I’ve kinda been feeling blocked.  I w feeling blocked from working, now I feel like I w rly blocked in my emotions, like that w the problem all along, and I never noticed.

I’m just flabbergasted, that me dehumanising myself and devaluing myself, is me actually doing a disservice to my friends.  Learning that, takes some beating.

I don’t pray to g, I pray to myself.  It is me that can make changes in my psychology.  It is me that I got to when I want my life to get better.  It is me that I ask to properly commit to things, that w be majorly good for me.

I now value myself.  Something massive has changed w|i me.

To G

K