Hey

It’s almost three am, and I have my coffee

I w thinking about doctors and how I feel they have something against supplements.  Like, to me, probiotics w help me chest infections, tho I feel they won’t prescribe them.  I also feel that Curcumin healed my depression, and they won’t prescribe that either.

I found that I had bad wiring in my brain; and that, I w dehumanise people I w watching on YouTube.  It w stop me from enjoying w I w watching.  I managed to keep the mental junk out of my head, when I w watching a YouTube video.  It’s the first time that I remember successfully doing that.

It kinda reminds me of pathological narcissism and how they are in a different reality.  I feel that all this w blocking me from true feelings of happiness.  I am starting to realise that all people have value.

Like the first thing I noticed, on getting out of what I felt w abuse, w that I had the same value as everyone else, and it shocked me to the bone; tho I never looked at them and assigned that value to them.  It only took me two weeks to feel this, and it w my main motivation for not going back.

I admitted to someone that I have a problem.  It’s a bit like AA, where I have to admit that I have a problem or I can’t be helped.  I also feel that Ik why I keep feeling that Ima die.  It’s when I am struggling to keep the bad wiring out of my head, that’s when I felt it, and I seem to feel it after I have felt my emotions.

I feel it’s bc of abuse when I w a baby.  I have a feeling that I w suffocated, for feeling emotions, like there w something w w me for doing it, and my abuser needed to stamp it out.

I w thinking about abuse; like there is no need for it.  Abusers all feel that they are doing the best for their children, all of them.  The thing is tho, that I feel they are not, bc they are causing them emotional damage that w last a lifetime, and cripple their ability to function.  I feel that they need to k that they are actually doing massive harm.

In Other News

I see my psychiatrist in three days.  I w tell her that I feel, feeling like Ima die, is in response to feeling feelings.  I feel, out of fear of being suffocated still, and dying.

To me, there is little wonder that pathological narcissists never heal.

I think the only difference between a pathological narcissist, and someone w some other personality disorder, is that the latter is, are, willing to try.  I had no idea I w so messed up till now.  I also, pretty much, had no idea that it w actually abuse, till now.

I thought about going back.  I felt like walking in that door and being back at home in nineteen ninety.  I cried.  Tho Ima just not be an abusive person, that is the deal breaker for me.  Ima just not see myself going around harming people.

Abusive people have the right to be, they have the right to be here; tho everyone else also has the right to be here, so why abuse them.

This stands me in good stead to embark on a journey of feeling my youthful feelings again, rewinding my consciousness right back to when I w like twelve.  I felt so sane then.

I feel that I w so rooted in reality, paradoxically enough, bc I w getting narcissistic supply.  Nowadays I am unable to get it, so I must adjust the wiring in my brain, get all the noise out of my head and allow the fog to clear on my reality, letting true feelings of joy come through.

Like I have said.. it is only bc of dehumanising the city centre like it is sketch af, that Ima not feel the dope af feelings of being there, the very act of being there being a treat, in and of itself.  It felt amazing and I want to feel it more, and more deeply.  I want to go all the way into it.  I have no room now for negative feelings about people, that cloud my ability to be in reality; even tho my neighbours are raising their voices at this time of night.

There is no reason to judge people.  Judging is not part of real reality, it has no place there.  I’ll listen to people moaning about things people have done, tho hope to not do it myself.

I feel like Ima get there.  I believe one hundo that I can, and that it’s just a matter of time.  Hell, if I’ve healed from pathological narcissism, I feel, it should be a snap; and I see that it is a righteous goal to have.  It w make me kinder to people.  It’s better for me and it’s better for them.  G I want it, and I feel it is w|i my grasp now, albeit these things take a long time.

To Renewed Hope

K