Hey

It’s almost two am, and I have my coffee

I have realised that, being attacked in the magistrates court, has rly traumatised me, and that is why it feels that everyone is evil.  It feels like everyone is capable of that.

Even when I am at home, I feel that I am at risk of people breaking in and taking my life.  I feel it has taken my feeling of safety.

That’s why I judge everyone, bc that’s who they are to me, monsters.  It is the force that I have to push through, when I am trying not to judge people; and it’s why I feel Ima die, when I don’t judge people, and I focus.  I guess bc I feel they are a threat, and judging people is my defence.

In Other News

I ordered the Vomero Premium; I just had to have them, they are, were, so dope.  I have been wearing my scorpions for so long that they w be wearing out soon.  As much as I loved them, it’s time to have something new.

It’s a shame, losing a pair of trainers.  For example, the space hippy 04.  I just feel like there w never be something like that again, made by Nike.

I c also start wearing my 818,’s that I never go out in.  Now I have the blister stick that w be possible.  It w be dope af, to be wearing a pair of vintage trainers, even tho they are only about five years old.

I now k what I need to work on, not dehumanising people.  It’s like an energy that I must resist.  It is coming at me all the time, it never stops.  Even when I am watching YouTube at home, I am feeling negative vibes about them.

And I also feel that that, w the basis for my feeling persecuted by my neighbour, tho it feels like a very dangerous situation, bc someone actually got killed in my street the other year; that I feel that he is capable of just doing to me, w they did in the magistrates court

Again, everyone feels like a monster.  I choose to work on these feelings so that I don’t feel that way about them anymore.

I w in town, and I felt that people were blatantly saying evil things about me.  That’s who I feel people are.  Whether that is true or not, that’s not who I want to feel they are.  I felt that they were corralling me into losing it, that they deemed me to be human vermin.  It w so horrid.

That’s where my self esteem is, that I feel that people feel that way about me.  I suppose that’s how I feel about them, so that’s how I feel, they feel about me

I feel that all this is around my emotionally unstable personality disorder, w I vow to recover from, just like I recovered from my schizophrenia.  I feel that not dehumanising people w actually do this for me, in time.

Then comes the question, w w it feel like to not be f up, when everyone else is.  It’s hard to accept that everyone goes through feelings like this, what a sh show, the world is.  I choose to opt out of that tho.

So, rly this is all me dealing w my trauma; using J’s commandments to do so.  It may take years on end, tho I feel it actually works.  I feel I w as f up as they come.

It’s gone from wanting to be a twelve year old again, to just wanting to be a fully functioning human being.  I feel tho, that those two things are one and the same.  Total mental health, isbeing young again.  I guess, being an adult, I am rly f up.  Ik there is safety is feeling that we are all frikacha, tho I want to lose that.

I love it when people show that it is possible to recover from abuse, and I want to do that for people.  I must do the work on myself tho, before Ima show them.  The best posts I’ve ever seen on Tumblr were from people who said that one day, you’ll not even k that you ever were ill.

That’s what I needed to hear and I accepted it and it w beautiful.  It gave me hope.

It kinda freaks me out that the only way to be healthy, is to be a kid again, and that everyone is that messed up.  It’s depressing af.  Tho, if I don’t feel that way, how Ima hope to heal.

That doesn’t mean that I should judge people tho, and that’s where I am falling down, Homes, I’ve cracked it.  I’m literally walking round, looking at people, thinking what the f; that’s not normal.

To Safety In Numbers

K