I’m feeling more optimistic about the business, and not believing in my own bull sh, at the same time. Like, I’m not telling myself that this time it’s gonna work. Some people, definitely do make an income online.
I rly aim to not judge and not worry. This new, pinning me much younger, has just made me feel like Ima aim for a lower age. I also, am not feeling like anxious. It came when I judged people; like I wouldn’t mean to, I’d be trying my hardest not to, tho I w find myself doing it, and then getting the anxiety.
I definitely want to stay away from that, so it’s quite an easy choice to follow the commandments a bit more. I also see, as has happened many times, that if I’m not judging, then I shouldn’t be worrying either; like even a tiny bit.
Like, I thought it w my duty to worry about something, like it w be me making the best out of a situation; tho I see that it’s just unhealthy. It’s totally counter intuitive, bc It’s wholly unnecessary.
I seriously want to get off this risperidone, bc it’s giving me some rly f up thoughts. Today w the last day that I took this dosage. I’m thinking that’s going round my brain and doing sh to my brain. It makes me anxious. I’m kinda feeling a bit freaked out rn.
All of my anxieties about the future, just disappeared. Idec what my future looks like. I think this w the utopian vibe that I w after. It’s kinda shocking that it’s here already; and while I am still on my medication.
I think w it is is that I’m tired. I got up at ten last night.
I suppose it just frees me up to get on w my life. No more uncertainty holding me back. It’s amazing that a feeling can take that away. I’ll get a part time job, fine, it’ll give me something to do, and Idk about the rest, who does.
Like I say, I’ve got my psychiatrist tomorrow, and I can’t wait. I’ll get to rly express myself to her, and open up about things that mostly, only she w k. It rly gives me a safe space to be heard.
I w tell her that, when I’m concentrating on not judging people, not having certain feelings about them, I can feel like Ima die. It happened once. It’s kinda funny to be scared of becoming normal, Idk if I ever was, I suppose that’s why so much fear.
I’ll have to see the guy at my agency and tell him that I’m still interested. I don’t rly want to go, bc I w rather be left alone and get on w it, if I w him, tho I also w like to k that I’m still in need of a job.
It’s rly weird actually to not be scared. It’s the first time I’ve felt this. It feels great tbh. I don’t even feel like Ima mess up and get fired, w well w have happened before.
Rly my focus is on following J’s commandments, and just allowing everything else to just fall into place. I have super duper faith.
It’s actually rly freaky, how correct these commandments are, and that no matter how long I follow them that are absolutely right; it scares me that I feel I w actually become young again. Ide want to think about it.
It’s just taking care of everyday things, getting the little things right; that lead to big change.
I might give one of my friends a ring tonight.
It’s a lot, yk, it’s rly exhausting, just becoming a normal person. It has worn me the f out. I guess from here on out, it won’t be that hard. I see people struggling around me and k that we all suffer like this.
To Utopian Vibes And Faith
K
Miss K 