It’s midnight, and I have my coffee
I feel totally re energized, bc I heard about two people who make an online income. It just gives me so much faith.
I feel I’ve rly turned a corner, when it comes to being able to not have judgy feelings about people. Up till now I just didn’t rly have the tools to stop.
If I’m to feel that people aren’t looking down on me for being upset or triggered, then I must not do it to them. Ik it sounds horrible, mia culpa.
C it be possible that as a baby, I w treated.. I w devalued for crying; and now always feel that people are thinking that I am a sh bag for being upset. Omg, it’s so wac, I can’t even.
That’s w it always was, that I felt like people were looking down on me bc I w triggered. It made the trigger worse, and it lasted forever. When I w triggered, I w look in the mirror, and see this hideous monster, and feel worse, like feeling triggered w somehow evil or something.
I guess this is completely normal. When triggered, I feel that people feel shame for it. It’s horrid.
I’m thinking about my psychiatrist appointment tomorrow, and how I w cope, if the bus doesn’t come to take me there. I have two options, get a taxi and ring them up to make it a telephone appointment. I might have to ring them in the morning to arrange it.
In Other News
I’ll have to check my emails for one from Facebook, this morning, in my spam. Oh, I feel so depressed at the thought that one hasn’t come yet; tho it w a Sunday when I emailed them, and there shouldn’t be a reply already.
I realized that there is help for blocked payment method, and that this refers to Meta, so I should be able to get help. I’ve rly gotta bar myself from thinking about it, until I get that email.
I realized that both WordPress and Hostinger have pretty funky, AI help. I w like to see this for Facebook. It understands w I am asking, and just points me to the help I need. I f love it. It gave me the help I needed w|o thinking that I w bothering anyone.
Tho sometimes it is right to ask, like when I should have told the washing machine people that my machine w moving all round the kitchen; and when I asked for help when I never got paid for my return at Nike.
It’s all a learning process. It’s hard for me, bc I feel I w never allowed to stand up for myself against my abuser, and this is necessary for proper boundaries. It makes me feel ill. It’s almost feels like she w allowed to stand up to people, tho I w not. I’ve got to stop thinking about it, bc it’s rly making me angry.
I feel that she has ASBD, bc I feel she w a vulnerable narcissist. I am the one who feels like I have ASBD tho. Why do I feel like I always w the problem, this is not fair. Why can’t I feel like a whole person. Why am I still so gaslit, after five f years. I’ve rly got to stop now.
We all feel like we are the problem tho, when we are in abuse. That is what abuse does, it makes the victim feel like they are the problem. This is the feeling that does the damage. It makes them feel worthless, bc they feel they are the one abusing someone. Of course that w make them feel worthless.
I don’t wanna open my spam folder, bc of all the porn sh that’s in there. I remember the days, when I thought someone actually wanted to talk to me on Tumblr, only to find out that it w a porn bot. I once had this guy trying to scam money off me as well, w a sob story. Technology is a f nightmare, when it comes to bringing evil people right to my door. I get more phone calls off of scammers than my friends, I feel.
I feel that they feel that scamming is a noble job or profession, like in these call centres, they feel like they are earning an honest days money.
To Self Awareness
K
Miss K 