It’s two thirty am, I have my coffee
I love J’s commandments. My self esteem is super high, tho I suffer at time from super duper low self esteem, I feel we all do, Idk.
I feel like applying for more jobs, bc Ima miss out on ones that are opening at the mall.
I’m thinking about sex as well. I feel that partners w bury the person they are having sex w. This scares me.
When I’m triggered, I’ll go from worrying to judging, and I have to keep an eye on w one I’m doing.
It’s hard for me, bc there is so much fear. I want this gone; I feel I need to just stay strong and resist the urge to listen to this fear. I did it before when I just opened up when I w walking. I need to not listen to triggers. They are so palpable w fear and I feel listening to it, just makes me more susceptible to it.
I rly want to be a person, who is not upset by things people say. People in this town, tend to just make comments about things, people, who have pi them off. I feel that should I ignore this crushing fear that I feel from triggers, then I w keep that Ima handle these things that people say.
I want to be this person so bad, it is authentically me, and to me it’s worth the risk of not feeling scared by triggers.
People say stuff around my home, that makes me feel like they want to take advantage of me. It scares me so much, tho I want to be someone who can handle it, so I resist that fear, in the hopes that it w go away, that Ima leave it behind.
This is the quickest way to deal w triggers I feel. I feel listening to them, w just mean that I get triggered all my life. I c let them go and they c be gone, that’s who I want to be.
Not worrying and not judging is scaring me. I feel like Ima put myself in danger by not doing this, tho I feel that soon the fear w be gone. Fear tends to leave pretty quickly when ignored.
Tbh, I’ve always felt that my neighbors a be taking advantage of me, so this rly is just the manifestation of that into reality, finding actual reasons why Ima not trust them. I see it for what it is; it’s just years of me judging them, manifesting this way. Like I say, Ima ignore them and erase all this judgement of mine.
Then w w happen, is that Ima see them as people, as equal to me. I’ll never hear them out my window and judge them, I w just feel that they are regular people, bopping around out there. That’s what I want more than anything, to be happy in my home, to feel safe.
Like I say tho, it’s also about the person I want to be. I don’t want to be someone who gets offended at what people say. It burns in me so strong to be this person, and I feel Ima do anything to make it real. To me that equates to hotness.
When I don’t see people as janky or a threat, they treat me so much better; I want that too.
I remember how I w never scared of anyone when I w a kid; like I need that. When I w at my psychiatrists there w this guy, full psychotic and I w scared of him. I don’t need that. I used to be around people who were sketch af, and just not even feel like they would do anything. I need to be back in that reality.
I feel the reason J says, blessed are you when people say all kinds of evil, on account of me; is bc, Ima level up, Ima become someone that people are comfortable around, and that makes them just relax and be themselves, w can be triggering by them saying stuff that’s hard to deal w, and fills me w such fear.
It gives me the opportunity to ignore the triggers and become someone that is not bothered by them, w levels me up even more, then more triggers, and so on.
The funny thing about all this is is that, the more I become someone, changed by these commandments, the more I yearn to embody it even more and become more changed. I just want to be that person so bad that I hope that I continue on this journey, and embrace that.
Like I say tho, it’s hard for me, there is so much fear, tho like I say, on ignoring it, it tends to go away pretty quickly.
I’ve never k myself to level up so quick. For the first few years, I felt that I w moving forward so slowly, now things feel like they are rly speeding up.
I feel this pace w increase and increase, until I am in the consciousness that I once k that I felt so good in and my yamanaka genes w be triggered. I feel it w speed up so much that something crazy like that w happen.
To Speeding Up
K
Miss K 