Hey

I’m down Ferry Meadows, Having CBD

My psychiatrist asked me whether it’s legal.  It seems to be, as it w all over tv and media.  I feel it got a lot of attention in the country, like people felt that they were able to smoke cannabis without mind altering effects.

I just straight up said, that I felt like a pathological narcissist.  We talked a little and I think I started to realize, that that is not true; anymore.

I still feel super f up, w feeling like negative feelings about people all the time.  I w on the bus on the way over here and I felt like I w out of my mind.  That’s how I feel when I am around people.  I feel like I struggle to hold it down.

Please may I thank, all the people who have respected me.  I feel so supported by this.  Everywhere I go, I am treated super well.

Idk how to explain my position.  I think it’s more about how other people see me.  It feels stressful, tbh.  I’ve heard that dealing can be hard.

I kinda feel like a leader; should people be so inclined.  Tbh, do I rly k what I’m doing.  It seems to be working, as people keep telling me.  I’m honest about what got me there.  I just need to hold it together for a little longer.

I escape the trauma, the bat sh crazy stuff, going round my mind, by just following J commandments.  I feel they are the only thing stopping me from losing it.  People genuinely scare me, feel.

Have I rly got it together.  I’m always scared that Ima fall.  Someone told me that once, that it w the problem w being at the top.  The top of w tho.  What am I on top of.

For some reason, I felt that I totally had it together now.  That soon disappeared, when I walked to town this morning.  I felt like I w struggling to keep it together.  It humbled me.

I guess it’s only natural to prance out the flat, w my new trainers on, after coming down to 1mg, feeling like I’ve got it all sewn up.

Tho the truth is is that it only causes emotional pain; to feel that it’s working this time, and then for it not to.  I’m weirdly comforted by it needing years for my internal state to change; tho like I w saying, I feel that things are speeding up.

I feel like my hedgehog pathway has rly opened up.  Self care is super important, especially getting around people.  I’m kinda thinking it w be a big change, tho won’t allow myself to consider it.

Maybe openness comes in different forms.  Like, people just blurt out w someone is bothering them w; everywhere.  I try and get in touch w w is going on inside here.  I feel that openness is rly the making of a person.  It’s like, I need to be of value to other people, for my body to say, okay let’s heal a little bit.

I used to think that the mind w only allow the amount of functioning, that is required in the person’s life.  Idk.  They do say, use it or lose it.

I came from a big family and just felt such a closeness to them all.  It’s hard to explain, the peace w|i.  My mom said that she had succeeded then, that is true.  I’m racked w guilt rn for leaving, I feel.  It feels like I have walked out on all that, and at the same time, walked back in.

I feel like I’m hallucinating on this 1mg.  I feel like she just died.  I’m scared Ima have a relapse.  I’m scared that it is bc I am not able to ask for help off people.  Hopefully I have learned the tools to survive.

I feel I didn’t k what the commandments meant a while ago.  I’m scared that still now there’s something I’m not getting, that Ima only learn from people.  I feel too young to do this.

To Coping

K