It’s two am, and I have my coffee
I felt persecuted today. People here tend to blurt out things that they hate about people. I love it, tho I felt that it w about me, and rly got scared. I’m not judging whether it w or not, and I w able to handle it, w w super. I rly enjoyed it. There are a lot of interesting people there.
I need help. I need help, to not feel that people w insult me right to my face, and get everyone else hating on me too. I feel that the commandments w do this for me. There is a lot of fear in me rn.
Fear is a good thing, fear Ima work w. Fear is something that can disappear overnight. I’m looking forward to losing it, as I have seen the back of it before, and it feels amazing to be free.
It feels amazing to k that I have conquered it, and I truly feel that it is something to leap for joy over, when it is gone. I’m looking forward to it.
Tho, this means that I have to keep going and to feel scared. It’s so terrifying, the fear of being ostracized. I want that fear gone so bad tho, that it’s driving me crazy.
Tbh, my other groups never made me feel like they wanted me out the f door; tho this group has people who are super open about w bothers them. It’s the constant releasing of pent up pressure the whole time.
In Other News
I felt my emotions; they were there in full. I rly cried.. and it shows that, I am healing from being emotionally unstable. I attribute this directly to following J’s commandments, and genuinely feel that had I felt everything I feel, mostly judgement of people, I w not be able to feel them rn.
There are two pathways in the mind, anxiety and emotion. I got anxiety right down, by following J’s commandments, and it w only natural that emotion came through at that time.
I just wanna run through how grounding techniques work. These two pathways in the mind.. when anxiety is full on, it blocks emotion.. w is how the mind w get back to stability. So anxiety has to be turned off, to allow that to happen.
Stopping thought turns off anxiety, so like stroking a soft toy or naming things like things I see and hear, distracts the mind from these anxious thoughts, allowing stability to return. And they work super well and helped me a lot in the past. In fact they stopped the agony I w in. I can’t praise them highly enough. Shout out to my psychologist.
That’s kinda w J’s commandments are, grounding techniques. They work in the super duper long term tho, actually quashing, the minds actual ability to produce these thoughts. By never thinking this way, the mind stops being able to. It kinda unlearns how to.
That’s w I look forward to, not even knowing how to judge. That’s when I w have made rl progress, and is my goal. I feel I w be super healthy then.
What stands in the way, is feeling that, there is a need to judge, that w|o it, there is no discernment. That held me back for a while, and is hard to get past, tho the awareness that it w just mental uselessness, and actually hate, came, eventually, and it w feeling that showed me how wrong I felt it w. It just felt like the wackest thing ever.
I w shocked at what my emotions had shown me. I w so happy to be aware of how hateful I had been, and how much of a dick. Only emotion c have showed me that, and it came though when I reduced my minds ability to make these thoughts.
I never wanted them, I always felt anxiety when they came and felt in pain; tho it w only when I had lost these thoughts that Ik how evil they were. I’m glad I persevered w it. It’s actually pure joy to be doing it less.
That’s rly w lit the fire in me, tho go full tilt and lose my minds ability to judge, period. I remembered how I felt when I w young that Idek how to judge. I wanted that. I had tasted not judging, and how sweet it w, and just wanted the whole batch.
It is so sad that I won’t k how delicious it w be, to be in that reality, until I am there, and how wrong I w feel it w be, to regress back into that. I must have faith and just k that it w be heaven, to not feel unclean anymore.
Rly all I felt over judging w shame. I’m just so happy that I dropped it. I hope w all my heart that I get to that point, where I’m not even able to do it.
When all the people are selling Jesus in the street, I just feel how much he has done for me, and smile w a knowing smile and just pass them by; may make a comment in the moment, supporting Jesus.
The point of J, is to follow his commandments, I feel, and I feel blessed to k that, he says so in the bible.
To Less Anxiety
K
Miss K 