Hey

I’m down Ferry Meadows, I had my beer, on the way down here.

I’m calling it wudging, bc it refers to both worrying and judging.

I realize that the problem is shame. I will feel like I’ve done something wrong and then get upset; or not, just tell myself to not wudge.

I feel that I suffer from feeling that people are being, rude, or even downright abusive. it’s fear and it’s a very strong form of fear.  I’m terrified that I will be in danger if I ignore it.  I’m going to listen to it though; because I’ve learned that the only way to really be free of it is actually to ignore it

I feel more of my emotions and feelings, after having reduced the medication. it’s so pleasant just to be able to feel.

In Other News

Facebook never got back to me, so I’ll have to go into the Facebook help, I know exactly where to go, and follow just all the instructions and the really good help that they have, on, what do they call it, it’s, Blocked payment method

I suppose it’s about not judging that they don’t want to know because there’s no like actual human help, you know someone on the end of the phone or chat . It’s having complete faith in that they want to help, though it’s just a different form of help.

I don’t wanna think about it cause it’s stressful

Again, it’s just so nice to be able to feel my feelings. maybe that’s why they call it a black box medication, because it blocks feelings. Maybe just the act of blocking feelings is enough to cause incredible damage in a person and how they feel, leading to like self harming behavior.

It’s definitely not nice, what this medication does, though I have done my time, and I am now off it.

I think fear has a lot to do with it, I feel like people are thinking this, they are thinking that, and it just, I think it makes me judge them. I just feel like I have to do something first, like I feel they’re gonna think something about me, and I just have to think something about them first, I don’t even know. 

And yes I’ll  still judge, and will continue to judge for probably quite a long time.  I could be lying there because I feel I’m getting a handle on it.

Also

I’m looking forward to Christmas. I was in Nottcuts, and I was just looking around all the Christmas stuff and I was feeling really Christmasy. It just filled me with such pleasant feelings. To be honest, I don’t think it’s about what I have, even if I don’t have a gift, I will still be happy.

I’m starting to feel that I got through all this unscathed, and that kinda quite scares me, like why should I be the one who ends up happy, what special about me? Do I even deserve this

It’s very cold today, I have a sandwich in my bag and I’m gonna need it soon.

I know that the team really care about me and that they will help. I’m scared of having a relapse, I’m scared of needing some kind of help and needing someone to go to to ask for it from. It’s kinda awkward, feeling like I have no family and just wondering you know, if I need help where do I get that from?

I feel that my Mum met all my physical needs, though was absolutely clueless when it came to my emotional needs. I really do praise her for the way she looked after my basic needs.

Like I have said before, though, I feel she has ASBD and I hate you know, I hate to say it. I hate to say that I feel that my mum was abusive, you know I don’t really like that word, you know she was doing her best. 

It hurts like hell that I had to look after myself, it hurts like hell that I felt that I had to leave; so there is a part of me that tells me that it is what she would’ve wanted, she would’ve wanted me to obtain for myself, the ability to be around people and deal with people and all the tools I needed for my life that she couldn’t give me

To Mom’s

K