Hey

It’s one thirty am, I have my coffee.

I felt like the Gospel Of Thomas, w about me, yesterday.  It says, if you are able to interpret these sayings, then you w never taste death.  It w weird, bc I didn’t feel like I w delusional at the time.

Like, if I w the first one to successfully follow J’s commandments, and reverse my aging, then it w be about me, actually me.

It c be down to my ability to forgive the people of this town.

It says, a woman goes on a journey and takes a jar of meal.  When she w on the way the jar broke, tho she had observed no accident.  I feel like that w me trying to get out of this place.  Tho something went w and I never got out.

I feel I w lucky for that.  I now have the shot at not judging anyone here.  The purpose of that commandment is that I follow it, and it gives me the chance to do that.

I hope that many others follow, and that it is about them too.

I have to say I look young.  In the mirror I seemed like twenty years old.  To me this means that they are working.  I used to look haggard af.

I have to not get the midnight judgies.  It’s important to stop now, so that I have a good day tomorrow.  It is always a challenge, and there is never a time that I am not putting the effort into quelling it.

I kinda got used to that and got home and found myself doing it and realized, oh G, I have to be on top of that all the time.

Tbh, the challenge of it is w I like.  Yes, it’s hard to not do it, and it requires rl effort and commitment.  I love this path.  I love w I am working towards.  I thank my lucky stars that I have quashed it for as long as I have, as it has made me someone I rly like to be.  I look back on judgement and see it as a sickness, I feel.  I feel that judgement, regardless of whether right or wrong, made me ill.

Is it right or wrong to judge them that way.  Well that’s the wrong question.  The right question is is it right for me, and it is not.

I hope that I discover that all my judgements were wrong, tho I can’t speak for that.  I just feel that it w feel amazing.  Why do people even look for people to be wrong, what is even the purpose of that.  Who do we think we are to be schooling people.  It rly involves an inflated opinion of ourselves.

J says, take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of their eye; and the speck, rly is to not judge.  How are they supposed to k that, nobody k that.  Everybody judges, it’s not really appropriate to point at any specific person.  Surely it is evil to single people out that way.  When I had my relapse, I felt singled out.  It’s so horrible to feel treated that way.  That’s the last person I w w to be.  Everybody, I feel they squabble.

It is this squabbling that makes people older, I feel.  It damages them and their DNA.  That’s w J commandments are for, I feel, to protect people from people, they can rly do a number on us, and the stress is a killer.  They keep us safe.  If we secretly wanna do harm to people, is it not fair that they do that to us.  Judgers rly do have wicked thoughts in their hearts, and people judge them back, and the cycle continues, always writhing in low key conflict w people.  That analogy rly scares me bc it describes hell quite well.

Ik I judge.  I never used to look at people like they were trash.  I don’t want those feelings anymore.  I feel uncomfortable.  It’s not clever, it’s unpleasant, I feel.  Ik that I w be young if I didn’t do it.  I want to be.

Is it socially unacceptable to be young.  It doesn’t seem so.  Like, If I w young, it wouldn’t be my fault.  At least I wouldn’t go around gipping older people off, if that’s what they do, the very thing that I feel robs them of that youth.

I just feel it’s so sad that people age, when it’s completely unnecessary.  To lose that youth is such a tragic thing, to lose that life inside, that vibe, that everything.

J says, if the salt lose its saltiness what is it good for, only to be thrown out and trodden underfoot.  I lost my saltiness and it took six years to get where I am.  It’s no joke.  I kinda struggle w the feeling of reincarnation where someone just in a moment becomes young again, to me that’s not possible.  Idk.

To Freedom From Squabbling

K