Hey

I’m down Ferry Meadows, late, traffic w a little bad.  I’ve had my CBD.

I feel like everyone’s stupid, it’s a really uncomfortable feeling.  I feel like I’m seeing snow people, through the eyes of a n’a.  My friend told me that everyone’s a racist bigot, maybe that’s true.

I feel so nuts right now.

I felt that everyone was staring at me and being really weird around me when I was on my way to town this morning, in fact, I got really upset, because last time this was all happening. I had a relapse.

It’s just another fear though. like it feels something bad is gonna happen, tho I’ve bet everything on reality that it doesn’t.

I suppose I’ll just give up, and believe that everyone is fallible. like I know how fucked up I am or feel, and I guess I should just see them the same way. it’s kinda heartbreaking to be honest.

this might not be reality, it might just be some kind of f up trigger. You know where I feel like I just feel like I’m not in reality. I feel scared. I feel shame. I feel having all these fears that aren’t real and I’m feeling that reality is really wack and it’s not real and when I come down, I’ll be back in reality; though not as scary and stressful.

like why am I looking at snow people through the an n’a. it took me long enough to stop doing that to n’as.

Nobody knows what the fuck they’re doing do they. I feel it’s an excuse for me to be incompetent.

The assessments that I was having to fill out, when applying to work, I feel like they are trying to manipulate me into thinking I have to be perfect in a work environment, and never get anything wrong; but like I look around me and I just see I just see the The imperfectness in everyone and it just seems to me, like they really don’t like it say they don’t know what the hell they’re doing you know and really they haven’t got a clue

It’s no wonder that I would feel that I had to know what to do in imaginary scenarios that I would come up with, and get massive anxiety. 

I’ve really gotta stop pointing the finger at myself and saying I’m not perfect. I literally was feeling shame for not being perfect. why do I have this insanity where I criticize myself

And I was hard on other people too, like when I couldn’t find one of my files in my files folder, I got anxiety. I feel that all that’s just gone out the window. i’m scared of who this makes me. if this is how normal people feel it’s really frightening. I suppose it’s OK for me to have f up in my life the way I have.

It’s gonna take me a while to acclimatize to this. I can’t get that lesson out of my head, it’s OK to f up.

I’m really freaked out right now. why did my psychiatrist say, that I was psychologically dependent on my medication. Was it because I just have this need to be stupid. no wonder I was having anxiety attacks, I just wasn’t in reality. I feel how I felt, when I was attacked in the magistrates court, I’m reliving the emotion I felt, and it seems to me that is why I keep feeling like I’m gonna die.

Maybe I’m just not like the people I f with, or maybe I’m just more like them than I give myself credit for. I feel like I need sustenance, and I feel like that sustenance is, understanding people a little bit more.

To Understanding People More

K