It’s midnight, I have my coffee
I am trying to avoid the midnight wudgies. It’s about my mental health. I mustn’t worry about whether w happened today w real. Tbh, it’s such a relief. At least I have stopped hearing evil speech from everyone.
I’m dreading sorting out Insta, I’ve had nothing but problems w that. I can’t remember the word for blocked payment method. It’ll be in there somewhere, I’ll have to look for it.
It’s back to not judging and not worrying. I hope that my judgements about people, when ill, have not made me judge myself.
Schizophrenia, is caused by brain damage. I hope that my brain isn’t too damaged to recover. I’m scared that I won’t get better.
Ik that all along this path, my not worrying and not judging, has been instrumental in my recovery; and my hanging out w people.
My friend said to me, to not worry about becoming ill when coming off my medication. I must try my best, that c make me ill.
I w actually using the commandment in the gospel of thomas, blessed is he who k how not to let the brigands get into the house of their domain, or something like that, when I left the group. I left as politely as I c. I still can’t think about it, bc I don’t want to worry about them worrying.
I’ve always hallucinated; like when I w at work, or at uni. When I got back it stopped. Maybe that’s just normal for me, tho I never want to be that scared again. Thinking about it’s actually freaking me out, Ima stop.
It feels like the only thing holding me back, w my mental health, and I should be good to get on w my life now. I feel I never had a life, due to being dissociated from w I feel w ASBD abuse. I’m looking forward to that. I never had friends. I feel she triangulated me away from everyone.
I’m looking forward to carrying on w my recovery. I have been aiming to not feel judgmental about this town, and feel all my feelings bc of that judgement clouding my reality. I w noticing how when I w in town, I w feel more real, and I loved it. I rly had faith of the reality I had when I w a kid, coming back. It felt to good, I just felt so secure in how happy everyone w, and how it w easy to just get the things that life had to offer. It w a feeling and I w feel it in different places, it felt amazing.
Ik that my mind is dulled to feeling this feeling, and I believe that following J’s commandments w bring it back, when I have got the same amount of Neurons again, that I had when I w a kid. I feel this is totally possible, bc I feel judging and worrying is w causes the change in the brain, to lose all these Neurons in the teenage years, and the twenties. Fingers crossed.
I’m getting arthritis again, bc of having tomato soup. Idk what to do. I don’t want it at my age. It’s super painful. I hope I’m free of pain, until I am much older, aware of how much older people suffer.
I am aware that J’s commandments can reverse my age and make me young again, I feel. Ik that for the whole time that I have followed them, they have raised my consciousness level, and self esteem. I just plan to let that continue, until I get all the changes and feel totally okay in myself.
I wonder if the part of the brain that the antipsychotics work on, is the hippocampus; bc, my taking Curcumin, could have healed it and be why I have recovered.
I am absolutely dreading, going to see my boss and asking him, to take me off his list. I am so disappointed. I wanted a job so bad. The fear that I felt tho, means that I w just have to get away. I w have to leave and that w not be okay.
I wanted to be that crazy bi, who w happy at work, and wanted to go in every day, and lift them all up, be popular and loved by the customers and bring in a lot of business. Ik I have a lot of internal value, bc of my self esteem, and I wanted to get the most out of it. I just have to tell him.
To Staying Healthy
K
Miss K 