Hey

It’s one am, I have my coffee

I’m scared I’ll have the same hallucinations at bowling, that I had at pétanque, tho Ima not think about it.  Didn’t get time to eat as well, so must do that.

Now I understand, why psychiatrists don’t let people come off the medication.  The thing is tho, is that I feel that I never needed it, bc I feel I had recovered from my schizophrenia, when I came out of prison.  I feel that it w the medication that made me ill again.  I feel it’s no wonder that it’s a black box medication

It’s kinda scary how the solution to all this, is to not worry about it, tho good tho I must just have something to eat, and that w make me feel better.

I felt like every human being w dangerous, not just narcissists and sociopaths and people w ASBD.  I felt unsafe everywhere and w everyone.  It w terrifying.

I just dealt w the fear, like I have dealt w fear before; I just ignored it.  I had learned that this makes it go away; and it did.

I stood up to my hallucinations and left.  This made them totally go away.  It w absolutely the right thing to do.

This is hard for me, bc I have always had a problem w boundaries, saying no to people.  I feel I had been programmed to feel that I w always the problem.  I felt shame for dealing w the situation in such a good way.

I’m scared that my friends w think that I have been pushy doing this, and w push back.

I felt that anyone w do anything for sex.  I felt like they were falling over each other, thinking that I w get w them; and I felt that rly what they wanted was to rob me, they just felt that they wanted sex w me, like they were just these like robots that didn’t even k what w going on inside them.

The gospel of thomas told me that they w try this, and I made sure that I didn’t do anything like that w any of them.  I felt that I w lose everything, that they w physically abuse me during sex, to gain control of me, and then ask for me to give them the business that I run.  I feel I w say yes, bc of the abuse I w have been through and being dissociated, and having Stockholm syndrome for them, feeling that it w love.

It felt horrible w people feeling attracted to me.  It just felt like I w in danger of them trying to take advantage of me all the time.  It felt so basic, like it w just the way I looked, w w that so important to them.

Everyone I walked past in the street, I felt, w saying that I had to have sex or I w be killed for being some kind of filthy perv.  It felt like they were projecting their sexual ill health onto me.

It felt like they were just carcasses who weren’t even alive, just doing what their brain w telling them, w|o any kind of awareness.  Again, it felt like human beings were just robots.

It felt like everyone w telling me that I had to get in w someone or I w be killed, like unless I let some club or group of people have complete control of me, I w worthless.

I felt that they said that the pop stars w have had me tho I had screwed that up.  It felt like a race against time to get in w someone or I w lose my life.  I rejected this, and called their bluff, I felt.

That’s why I felt they had no choice but to erase me, bc I had broken all the rules, and that every human being w carry out the sentence, not just people w empathy impairments or no empathy at all.

It felt like every human being had a system of rules and that they were controlled by them and they had gone mad bc I had contravened them all.  I felt a target bc I w authentic.

I felt that this n’a guy, told me that he w get it soon, as a threat to me.

I w so lucky that I left pétanque, bc it just made all these feelings stop.

I had never felt attractive before in my life, and it w hard to deal w.  It w just horror that this w w it meant to me, that it w something that I just found intolerable.

To Escaping Frightening Feelings

K