Hey

I’m at home, going w|o CBD.

I’m still being careful, bc of my schizophrenic day; kinda, I had coffee today, at knit and natter; and the strange thing w w that, it didn’t make my self esteem collapse into itself, and it w the first time that that had happened.

I feel rejuvenated.  I watched dollblush, and now I feel like eighteen again.

I’m actually taken aback, as to how correct J’s commandments are, especially not being racist.  It has given me more faith in following them.

I went to the dentist today.  I have to have a tooth stripped.  It is causing me a lot of pain, and.. I just trust him so much.  Whatever he wants to do w it, that’s fine w me; except he wanted to put a fluoride filling, w I said no to.  I’m having that done on Thur.

I’ve figured out a way w the business; to go to facebook and add a payment method, and then go back to Insta, and link up.  Sounds simple, might be hell.

My social skills are getting better; like I feel that my struggles are not my fault, probably down to being antisocial all my life.  It feels so good to be exercising that muscle.

It’s the only way to feel connected to people.  I used to feel so connected, coming from a large family.  I c totally have that again, if I just let them in.  There is no limit to how close Ima feel.

I feel that people feel that sex is the only way to feel that closeness after leaving home.  Personally I feel that it is possible w anyone just by talking to them and feeling close emotionally.  I heard people say that you go whoosh, when you have sex.  I feel that that is that immediate feeling of close connection w someone.  Like I say I feel Ima have it by just letting people in.

I w blame them for not feeling close to them.  It w bc I feel I had come from a psychopathic background.  I c only be close to someone w ASBD, I feel.  I had to learn a whole new set of tools to be close to someone w empathy.  It w a lot of work, and w continue to be a lot of work; tho for that closeness I’m willing to work for it.

That’s my goal, that’s my dream.  Just stick it on the stack of things I want, at the very top, like the star at the top of the tree.

Life makes no sense at all, that’s why I couldn’t cope w it.  I w very logic oriented.  It is about how it feels.. how it feels to not look down on people, that’s closeness, connection.  It’s not possible to feel close to someone at a distance.

It rly w the epiphany that I needed people, to just survive.  I leant into it, into them.  I just put myself out there and tried hard.  I had my psychiatrist telling me that I w gonna need therapy.  I felt that the biggest narcissist in the room w have me for breakfast every session, no wonder they say it hurts.

I thought f that, I w just be sociable w people, that w do it, and it did.  I w spend lots of time around people.  Honestly I thought that it w be J’s commandments that w heal me; it turned out to be the closeness I felt w them.

J’s commandments are the gift that keeps on giving.  Like there is no end to the road of not judging.  I feel I’m not judging and then Ima judge even less; the same w not worrying.  I have changed so much on this path, and it has all been dope af, every milestone of thing I realized as I let go of judgement of some demographic of people.

Ima only feel that these commandments come from G.  It says in the bible that I w k where they come from if I follow them.  I feel that to be true, and that I w find out.  That’s for some other time tho.  My goal, like I say is to feel close, emotionally, like brothers and sisters.  I long for that feeling that I had when I w young.  It felt so amazing, there are no words that can describe it.

The potential for my life to get better is another gift that just keeps on giving.  I have hope.  To begin w it w just that I w get a job and have a life; now it is that I feel the way I want to feel.

Little steps at a time.  G k it w hard af, when walking into those groups and having those dehumanizing feelings towards everyone that w wreaked anxiety w|i me and shame.

Ik I have leeway to have crazy feelings, we are all human.  I realized that today, for what felt like the first time; to not be ashamed of w I am feeling inside, just k that everyone has this sh going on w|i them; tho try not to do it as always.  It w a rly nice moment as I let go of it.

To Personal Development

K