It’s three thirty am, I have my coffee
I signed up for the Christmas meal, w the knit and natter. It w be nice to see them twice that week. I buy my tree, hopefully, in a few days. It’ll be nice to have another one, as mine is looking almost dead. I must not overwater it this year
It comes and goes that I feel people are talking about me, or being rude. I’m okay w that, it’s manageable. I feel that w made me ill, w feeling that way, and when I got upset over it, it got worse and it kinda snowballed, until I w totally schizophrenic.
Kinda scary how fragile my sanity is, and anyone else’s. I feel it c happen to them too.
It may have been the group I went to. They were very open about people who they were pi off w; and it w something that I had not been around before. I felt like they were talking about me. I handled it, tho it must have affected me the next day, I feel, and I caught a load more feeling that people were doing it, again, probably bi about people.
I w in queensgate, when my mind just went into orbit. I felt that the whole town hated me, and w trying to force me to get in w a group of people. That w the theme at the group I went to, that I felt that they were mad, bc they felt I w not letting them in. I guess that got into my psychology somehow, made me paranoid about it.
I had always felt distant from the people in my groups, until like the week before, when I felt this rl closeness w them. It w lovely and reminded me of my youth and being w my family when it w snowing.
I feel things have settled down now, tho I expect to feel that people are being nasty more, and that it w be something that I have to get used to. It just hurts my pride a bit, I love to feel confident, it makes me feel great, and it’s a bummer that it puts the kibosh on that.
The good thing is is that, I am talking about things that every person has to deal w. It makes me feel so normal and validated, to be doing through the same struggles. It gives me a lot of joy that everyone has their issues.
Like I said before.. I let go of being so ashamed of the sh that w going round in my head; that I am just normal and we all have that going on. It made me feel worthless and I realized that I have the right to be here and have a mind, that produces all kinds of thoughts and that we all are a little strange.
Work scares me a bit. W w I have been through it has shown me my vulnerability. It’s the same kind of fear that I had of having relapse, that it might be too much. Again, I am like everyone else and we all just get on w it.
I feel totally supported and k that people have got me. Feeling imperfect, also brings that people love that about me, and want to help w any problems I have caused by that. We are all in the same boat.
That is how to rid myself of shame. I suppose when I looked down on people, I couldn’t afford myself that kindness; part of my emotionally unstable personality disorder.
People seem the cure to all my ills. They bring those emotions to me, that feeling of connection and understanding when they talk of their problems. I remember when they used to talk of having issues I used to gaslight them in my head; then I w get anxiety, bc I had felt so horrid.
Now it’s the opposite. When they talk of w bothers them, it feels me w a warmth of understanding, and just enjoying hearing it so much, bc it validates the abuse I feel I have been through, and that some people are just abusive or rude or whatever. I find myself smiling my ass off sometimes.
I felt that feeling emotionally close to people w impossible, bc I felt like I w in a cage and my emotions w not let me near to them, I told my psychiatrist. That’s why he wanted therapy for me, w I declined bc of feeling that I w be abused by the head narcissist of the group.
It’s nice to k that I have healed anyway and that that decision w have just caused me pain. I didn’t want to be around anyone toxic as I had done all that, and this part of my life, is mine, all for me, and not for the narcissistic supply of others. I have to live now as I have limited years left and wish to enjoy the life that I have; and never go back to feeling selfishly horrendously abused just for someone’s gratification.
I feel broken, tho the process of healing fills me w such joy and the knowledge that my life is my own at last, no longer feeling manipulated by someone to the n’th degree. It makes me feel ill to feel that someone did that to me, robbed me of my autonomy and boundaries, out of selfishness, wanting me all for narcissistic supply, as a toy, pretty much.
To Freedom
K
Miss K 