I’m down Ferry Meadows. It’s wet, and I haven’t brought my bag to sit on, so I’m standing up. Ima have some CBD
I’m still trying not to judge. It’s not that hard now. I stopped my morning judgies, and I only get it like every now and then. I just think about something else.
I’m a little apprehensive to be having CBD, tho I had coffee yesterday and w fine. I suppose I’m just trying to be chill about w happened, yk, and move on. Ima not think about it, bc it’s a rl freak out.
I feel that part of the reason I felt I w looking down on people, w the effect the risperidone w having on me. I feel the problem w that I w stuck in that reality, once I had come off it a bit, like kinda lingering and hanging around, and w the extra mental ability I had, being off it, my brain went to town w these judgements of people.
Also, it’s kinda impossible to think on risperidone. I had to shut my thoughts completely, or it w just turn into anxiety. I have now the luxury of being able to think. I feel that my mind’s ability to suddenly do this, led to me thinking about the things that I felt people were saying; w is the worst thing Ima do, according to one of the people I used to work w; probably did the damage.
The brain suddenly being more capable of something is a big shock to it; probably why I have been told to come off it gradually. Like, even little changes in someone’s life cause major stress, like new job or a new group of friends, I guess; so it only stands to reason that changes that affect the ability to think, w do the same.
I’m a big fan of taking change a step at a time. First I prioritized just stepping down the medication, and getting used to that and seeing how things went. I needed to feel secure in what I w handle at that time; so I just carried on w my life the same; scared that taking on something new c hurt me.
Eventually I went about looking for work; and the funny thing is is that, sitting w that for a little while and letting it into my reality, now and then thinking about it, seeing how I feel, actually, I feel helped w my ability should I be lucky enough to have that happen.
I feel rly CBD’d out rn.
Judging is a similar thing. It’s not possible to just cut it out, as a naively thought. It has taken six years and I’m kinda still doing it. I am aware that had my brain just dumped the brain map for judgement, it w probably have killed me. There w not enough functioning brain, to take over from its absence.
I had to grow my awareness; to a point where I c use the power of my brain to not feel scared of things that c happen; by not indulging in imaginary scenarios, and how to solve them.
What happens is that the emerging brain map, gives a new awareness of how wac it is to judge; and that not judging is w kept me healthy. It goes a long way to keeping a healthy mind.
Fears; fears are a problem, and having that awareness to not let them seem any bigger, is powerful. The new way I c see people as they are, and not how I assumed them to be, w also powerful. It allowed me to feel close to them, and stay at my clubs that are doing me so much good.
As a person, I have a rl need to be around people. It actually improves the way my mind functions, it prevents mental illness and lowers depression. All these tools taught by J, stood me in good stead to handling being around them. I deeply thank J for that.
The exit of an old mind, stage left, and the entry of a way better reality, stage right; taking years, and being so much fundamental change, that it had to take the longest time ever; the brain just can’t handle that.
That’s why I feel Ima be young again. There’s this tool in science called extrapolating. It’s looking at a graph and seeing that it w continue to rise in strength. This allows me, I feel to just, not take it for granted, tho to k, that, should I continue w J’s commandments, so w the change.
To Extrapolation
K
Miss K 