Hey

I’m at the dentist; I need a tooth stripping. I might just have some CBD.

I had this most beautiful, sublime, walk through Orton. it was the same trail that I would take on the way to school. I had thought those feelings had died in me a long time ago.

It really gives me hope, that I can have any consciousness I desire; a stark contrast, to the feels I had when I was in town to be honest it fell of nothing, just bad boys and gangsters.  Always sketch, always being hard, so that nothing happens to me.

so this is not about that; it’s about having feels that really slap; up there on my vision board, just waiting to be brought into reality.

They say that whatever you wanna achieve, you have to bring yourself closer to that thing. Budding entrepreneurs might go to Vegas, etc., etc.

This has done that for me. It has brought me right into the heart of it. Now I have the experience, I can go after it with a renewed faith.

So tempting to buy a house in Orton, it could be heaven here. J says, if you say heaven is up there, the birds will proceed you. If you say that heaven is in the depths of the sea,the fish will precede you. Though it is inside you and it is outside of you.

To me, heaven is a journey, one I have been on for quite some time 

To be honest, this makes me seem I feel, to be already there. To me it’s far distant, so far that I don’t even know if I can get there, though I’m a try.  I know I am nearer than I ever was.

I know I’m a be real buzzed, off of the CBD, and I don’t know if that’s a good idea, for going into the dentist, and having my tooth stripped. I felt so stressed at the Dentist two days ago, that I started feeling that everybody was talking about me. I had to just sit there and try my best to calm down.

It reminds me that, what I want in life is this feeling, first and foremost. Yes, there are worries about, what I will do for a living, though are those things really that important.

J says, a man can neither ride two horses or draw two bows. this is really relevant here, focusing on what I want.

I’m thinking of all the friends that I’ve met, in the clubs.  It is their support that has brought me here. My psychiatrist said that it was the one thing, that caused me to heal the way I have.

Here I am with my new psychiatrist, insisting that we get off the medication; so this can only be quantified by feels. It is feels that have meaning, it is feels that are all the value, the reason I am doing all this for.

In Other News

I have learned something huge.. that I have thoughts w|i me, tho sole purpose of which, are to bring my mood down.  In fact, this describes most of my thoughts.

I w in high mood, and I saw fit to try and maintain it; and that’s w I noticed, feeling attacked by all these thoughts, and sensing their intention, feeling it so strongly and just becoming so aware of it.

I feel it w abuse.  Ik it’s judging, tho this time I feel I have to.  I feel I have a schit, w means that I am blinded to it being abuse, so I judge to broaden my awareness.

I feel that my mom, every time I w in high mood, w, emotionally abuse me.  Personally I feel it w bc she is unable to feel high mood due to not having access to her pre frontal cortex.  I feel she w be highly offended at it.. bc it w empathy and stamp it the f out.

I feel her answer w to destroy my mood; a behavior that I learned to do on myself, to keep myself safe.  I needed her for support and protection, and I feel my only option to survive, w to do it to myself by thinking these mood crippling thoughts so I didn’t offend her.

I feel they became so deeply ingrained in me that until now, after six years of following J’s commandments, I had no idea that there w anything w w the way I think; the psychology eventually coming out.

I feel this is a rl step in my healing; bc these thoughts are easily ignored.

Also

I feel that worrying and judging arms these thoughts, and enables them to do rl damage.  It supports and feeds, and grows this part of the mind so that it is incredibly powerful, when it comes to wreaking its damage on the mood.

And I just became aware, in horror, that I w thinking these thoughts 24/7, and that every time my mood went south, I w get anxiety. 

It makes me think of the relationship between mood, abuse, and anxiety, in other people.  Could childhood abuse and a behavior learned by that person, to cripple their own high mood, every single time it popped up, cause anxiety.

When I say it like that, I feel that it absolutely could.  That level of self torture w be bound to cause anxiety, I feel.

To Psychological Breakthroughs And Sublime Feelings

K