Hey

It’s one am, I have my coffee

I’m trying not to wudge.

I tried to get hold of my man at the agency, and he never called me back, twice.  I feel my self esteem w affected, and I felt worthless, and that I wasn’t even worth the most basic job.  This is w applying for work has made me feel like.

At least I have the choice on whether to wudge or not.  It is something that Ima ignore, and that way be following J’s commandments.

There were times when I had no choice.  I w get triggered and w not be able to stop doing it.  This hurt, bc it felt like the people who triggered me, were making me evil.

In Other News

I have decided to concentrate on the getting my campaign straight, part of the business.  It’s rly putting the horse before the cart, bc I w need all my media, when I create the ad.

I have no idea, w the images w come out like, just living in hopes, rly.  What I do k, is that, the most unpolished images work best.

What if my self esteem just had to come down.  I had found a way to keep my mood up, and had done this for a couple of days.  W if my mood just had to come down.

It has manifested itself as, me struggling to be respected at work, tho w if it w just my mood resetting to the level it’s normally at.

I’ll continue to do w I said, w is one thing a day, one problem solved a day, that way, sixty problems get solved.  I should make rl progress doing this.

I have to be careful not to get triggered.  Someone said that, the number one skill in running a business, is being able to take sh, or eat sh.  This is true.  Doing it this way, enables me to eat the sh, just a little bite a day.  That way it won’t entirely ruin my day.

Should the business be something that left me unhappy all the time, I w soon choose to stop doing it.

This has been especially true for not feeling like Ima access any help for getting my payment method sorted.  It has taken ages, and still not figured it out yet.

I feel I did totally the right thing.  I feel this is the most important thing I have done yet, in my business, and that f it up, is just.. it’s vital that I find my way through this, bc w|o it sorted, there is no business.  It stops dead in the water.

I must click on the link that takes me to the help, should my payment method fail again.  That how I w k where to find the help and I w be one step ahead of the game again.

It feels to me psychopathic, how bc I never clicked on that link, I never k where to get help from.  It is w caused all this struggle and frustration for weeks; so arbitrary.

It has the opposite effect on me as well.  Getting through all these challenges, just fills me w self esteem bc it’s a total skill and one that is super valuable.  It makes me feel successful, bc every fire I have  put out, has left me feeling like a boss.

It c have been the case, that the help case, closed bc I couldn’t find the chat.  Idk.

It’s funny how the self esteem can feel like I have a working business, even before it does.

I felt a little angry; how dare they not employ me.  I’m savvy af, and they just turn me down, what the f are they on, they’re nuts and can’t tell who is a good employee from my application; makes a mockery of the whole application process, as it is there for them to discern who is best, I feel.

It felt like, bc I don’t follow the psychopathic template of applying, like a f robot, I don’t fit what they want, they just toss me in the bin.  I can’t apply like that, it’s not me.  I’m too authentic to sound like a brown nosing little snot, I feel.

And the clothes in H&M.  The casual stuff.  It smacks of people trying to look sfw, when they in their casual time.  It makes me sick, I feel; and makes me recall, how strict and controlling they are at the Ivy League.  Someone had a party and got dropped by their employer.  Why suck up to such di, I feel, they don’t deserve respect.  Like, I feel they are asking us, to worship them; f off.  As if it’s not like one of the top traders w on 100K worth of coke.  Whiter than white, snow white f bull sh, I feel.

I feel like Ima have to make it on my own, and that actually sits right w me.  I, like I say, c never suck up to them, and I don’t feel they deserve it.  Why is this our culture, it’s nuts, I feel.  Like I say, you don’t think, one look at H&M clothes, and I don’t k that everyone is begging and crawling for staying in their job, I feel.

To Seeing Through The Lies

K