Hey

I’m down Ferry Meadows; have some CBD in a minute

I managed to log into Anakin. hopefully I’m still logged in, so I can do what I need to.

I’m settling down, after that bout of schizophrenia that I had. I guess it was a bit premature, to say that I could get on with my life. I feel that now, though, I’m a bit more able.

Like a race, to get the business up and running, in an attempt to like beat having to get a job, like be the first to like make some money; so as I never tell myself that it’s gonna work, I might just not go there. It would be nice though.

Seem to be fighting this work thing tooth and nail; actually believe that it will be a really powerful thing that Ima do in my life, that will just level me up.

There is so much fear, though, that I’m gonna be taking advantage of.

I remind myself, what I did about fear before. just totally ignored it, and it went away. it’s good to sort of have a template for life, I think I’m gonna do that again.

I think the answer could just be, continuing to do the groups that I do. This is the kind of people I’ll be working with.

To be honest, I think that if the business was working, I still want a job. I just wanna do more in my life, like I wanna be busier. 

I’m craving like this feeling a fulfillment. I kind of think it will come, when I come off my medication. I think that it’s giving me this feeling, this feeling that I just feel that I’m not right. It could be a bit of both.

Like I say, maybe it’s fear. I could be scared that I’ll be happy and working and that I feel like I was young again, and it could really freak me out.

What I do know is that, things just continually get better; and I know that whatever I choose to do, it’s gonna work; probably like gangbusters actually.

what is this feeling of unease. I think what it means is that I will have more, than I did when I was younger. Like I’m gonna err towards that I was at the very least, narcissistic; and that my life didn’t work because of the way I was. For things to actually be better than they were then, is one hell of a trip

 I can’t see the business is gonna work, though I feel that whatever problems come up, I will deal with them. I suppose I feel a bit behind, because of all these schizophrenia and whatnot.

It’s funny really, these things I feel shameful, but that was not my fault. Like that was a really dope thing, to like be reducing my medication, and her so keen to get me off it. It represents a huge step forward, that I’ve been working towards for such a long time. It’s not a step back. It’s literally a leap forwards.

I think I’ve identified what this unease is. It’s just not being able to reconcile, that my life is working, that things are really good, and that I’ve been dope AF, just in the way that I’ve dealt with it, and that I’ve made this Reality out of my life

It’s inability to pat myself on the back and say how well I’ve done and, in what a good position I’m in now

Like, things are so good now, that I have to accept it. could this be me finally admitting, that I have value?

I would have to admit, that the way I live now is right; I like, I don’t really wanna call it abuse but, it was like a reality that I have to own, that I just I’m never gonna go back to. letting go of that part of me, that wants to say, I was always the one to blame.

I used to think that, when I felt like I was gonna die, it was because I was making such a good job of my life, and such good decisions, and it just didn’t.. it was something that was just so far from my experience that it, I felt disturbed.

It didn’t help, that I was taking a black box medication as well. The truth about these medications is that, they caused triggers, and they cause anxiety. It’s easy to believe, that they actually make mental health worse, they absolutely do, I feel

To Being In Control, And Smashing It

K