It’s midnight, I have my coffee
I judged yesterday, it’s bc I w triggered again, and felt like I had had enough. I felt like I had been stared at twice and w angry.
I found that my self esteem went right down the toilet. This is the sad thing about judging, it w do that every time. I didn’t make the rules, I just follow them.
Should I have a go, at someone, for staring at me, my spiritual journey w be over, as stated in the parable of the wicked servant. I can’t imagine how painful that w be.
It doesn’t matter whether it feels fair, these are the rules and, if I want to be the first person to be young at fifty, then I must follow them, to the letter, no exceptions.
This w always hard for me, when getting triggered a few times a day, like over a year ago. I w always judge them. Where do I put the pain, I felt. There w nothing to do w it, I felt, except judge the person who I felt hurt me.
I prided myself on not judging at other times tho, only judging when hurt. This w the best I c do; and it still did heal me, to where I am now, I can’t stress that enough, tho it took six years, painfully slow.
It’s like when I used to look at peoples’ faces, when I w walking in town. The judgement part of my mind w see things in peoples’ faces that made me feel uncomfortable. I w have anxiety just bc of what I had seen in them.
As the part of the mind that judges, dwindled, due to not being validated, I am now able to look, and see just faces. It makes me a much happier person.
Town feels like town, not colored by what I think of the people there, w is a much happier vibe. I feel excited when I am my way down to ASDA, I love being there.
There are so many dope people there. It just feels good to be around them.
Ima try to just cut out the judging, next time I feel I get stared at; tho it’s gonna be super hard. When feeling that pain, it just is a total struggle; remembering how, last time, when I judged, I ended up feeling worthless.
How I judged them to be, like oafish and ill, like I w w I w much younger, that’s exactly how I felt about myself, like I w sick and nasty. It boggles my mind how this works, tho Ik it to be true.
Ik a long time ago, that every time I judged someone, I w actually judging myself, tho it never rly sunk in till now; I still don’t k if it has, I might still do it, like I say it’s super hard not to.
This is the journey I’m on tho, I take it seriously. This next step I must take to reach my goal. I must be in pure consciousness, w w only be colored by such things, and distorted, and painful.
The more I judge, the more anxiety I get, it’s as simple as that. If I want to lower my anxiety I just have to leave it alone, facts.
It’s not long since I judged this town as wicked. I never felt good in ASDA, at that time. My experience in town w just awful, I w be in pain feeling that I w around horrible people, and I couldn’t feel through that into a better awareness, into bliss.
The frustration w palpable, I had to reach my goal, I kept trying, and eventually I got there.
All the time, feeling that the reality w there that I wanted. It w there when I w a kid, I felt that it w still there. I felt that I w still living in the same world that I w in back then, like reality w still there, when I w ready to feel it. I hope that when I progress on this journey I w feel the same that I felt back then, it is heading towards that, my walk in Orton showing me in full that that w correct.
All the time moving toward a better state of awareness, closer and closer, ever closer, kinda being shocked that there seems nothing stopping me from feeling it in full.
Just continue w the commandments and closer I get, step by step, increment by increment. As long as there is progress I’m here for the long haul.
At this point, Ik that I am judging employment. It has to go. Maybe I’m scared of feeling bliss at work. Maybe I’m scared of being happy. What is holding me back.
When I apply for jobs, I feel triggered, it makes me reluctant to do it; and then I judge, like the reason it hurts is bc there is some quality they have that is not respecting me. It’s rl hard for me not to judge w how much I am feeling hurt.
The constant rejection. My self esteem rly suffers. I feel worthless; again, bc I am judging them, and I feel exactly about myself how it makes me feel about them. Again, crazy how it matches so closely.
Maybe the only reason I am struggling is bc of my judgements, shed them, and I w k what to put on my CV, to guarantee success.
I’m scared that I w never find work, and this doesn’t sit well w me. Surely I am worth employing. My self esteem is infinitely higher than it w w I worked when I w younger, and I had no trouble holding a job down, I even got to uni. It doesn’t make sense to me.
I also k that they all are desperate for employees, another reason why it hurts so bad to be turned down. I feel Ima do the job no problem, in fact be excellent at it, again it hurts.
In Other News
Well, I’m in Anakin, and Ima do the stuff in there that I need to do, Images for my campaign. Hoping that they come out right. Gotta love AI.
First, write the prompt for the images, then save to photos, and put in the tagline for my ad, w I already have. Then create the image, for my landing page, making sure that I duplicate it, so that I don’t lose the old one; and put in the three taglines onto my landing page, that I already have.
Then I go into Insta, and whack all this stuff in, and put in my payment method. Hopefully all goes well. If not I get a link to help. I must click on this link, to see where it goes, and bookmark the page or something, see what menus I need to be in to find it.
Even though saying how I felt, around work, feels like I’m judging, and I can’t do that. It’s like I’m held to a very high standard, one that I haven’t even reached yet. Like it won’t happen until I get there, and that’s frustrating, me want now.
To Childhood Bliss
K
Miss K 