Hey

I’m at home, chilling.

I walked past this man on the way to Bowling.  I felt like he had stared at me, tho I didn’t judge him, like there w some depraved reason he did it, or even that he did it at all.

This rly is the first time, that I w able to do this, when feeling hurt by someone.  I carried this on when I got to Bowling.  I felt like people were talking about me, tho didn’t judge that they were.  My self esteem stayed in tact, w again, w a first.

There w no shame involved, just this feeling of cortisol in my mind.  I smoked my doob and felt paranoid.  I just handled this w|o shame.

In Other News

Idk how Ima change my payment method for Anakin.  That may be the next thing that Ima sort out.  I’ve tried a few things tho nothing has worked yet.

I w thinking about Facebook.  I might have to delete the app so the link doesn’t f up, when it offers me help if my payment method doesn’t work.  I’ve had enough sorting it out for one day, so w leave it.

I feel tired, I w up at midnight.  I didn’t want to go to town and see my boss, bc I felt that feeling the cortisol in my mind w enough for one day.  I didn’t want anything to trigger me and make me upset for even longer.

It’s kinda like, feeling the pain, and saying this is okay.  Ik that my reward in heaven w be great, w helps to just feel pain and not need to like have some way of, channeling it.

It seems crazy that the thing to do, is just feel it.  It seems weird.  Like I am hurt and that’s okay; tho now Ik Ima do it now.  I don’t actually k that, tho I hope.

It came rly from the other day, when I noticed that even the tiniest bit of judging caused me to feel shame.  It strengthened my resolve to just cut it out, totally if possible.

I w thinking about the amount of pain I felt over the last six years, and felt that maybe it w enough to get me into heaven.  That is a rly sobering thought.

Idk whether to call it suffering, tho there is dignity in it.  Ima feel pain.. and just fw my friends at the same time.  I kinda thought that I’m weird, and I’m okay w that.  Weird is good.  I rly identify as weird.  I feel a bit like Ima die rn.

So the parent company is open.ai- and like, I seem to remember that I had to sign up w them, put my bank details in and all that sh.  So it might be possible to do it there; if not, just delete the account and start again; paying attention to the warnings that I get when doing that, so I don’t make a mistake.

It’s kinda hard, doing things on the net, and having no idea, no help when it comes to how to do them, I feel.  These are the first times when I have had no clue.  I feel that if this had happened before, it w have been too much to handle.

I got shopping on the way back, I have to get in as much as I can.

I got a reply from a job, saying that my application won’t be put forward at this time, w is good, bc it means that they have it in reserve incase they struggle to find anyone.  I might apply for more like this.

Bc of feeling hurt like that, Ima treat myself to dollblush.  I might remember to check out if she’s on, late at night.  I used to have a sorry ass little yoghurt when I w hurt.  It didn’t make things better tho it w something that I used to like to do.

I had this fantasy that they were all saying that I must have been bitterly broken to be so quiet.  I nearly cried.

I wanted to get a strike or something, bc they had all the halloween stuff on.  I wanted to get a monster jump out or something.

To Accepting Pain W\o Judgement

K