Hey

It’s about midnight, I have my coffee

I’ll have to get myself something to eat, bc I fell asleep before I did that.  I want to cut down on food again.

Ik that eating very little w not be the answer.  I am older and I need to eat a good amount, tho Ima cut down a little.  I feel it’s about tackling insulin resistance, and when I’ve done that I won’t be so hungry all the time.

I don’t want to be too thin, I prefer girls when they have more meat on their bones.

It’s hard for me not to judge rn.  I’m having an attack of the midnight judgies.  Ik that I must, bc otherwise it w affect my self esteem.

W triggers there are rly only two choices, to have self esteem or not.  There is no way to escape the pain of being triggered; and it can go on for hours.

I feel that is why I am judging, bc the pain I experienced yesterday, and trying not to feel resentful around it.  It’s hard.

I thought about feeling that I w stared at.  The only choice I have available to me, is to not look back.  That’s actually the limit of my power.  It’s a hard fact.  I feel anger welling up in me as I think about it, w I must not allow to happen; like I say, I rly only have one choice, whether to keep my self esteem or not.

It seems bizarre to me that this is how it works, tho don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

In Other News

W the business, jobs come first, bc it is triggering, w can go on for like two hours.  It’s hard to put my priority on the back burner.

There is so much judgement around finding work.  I feel it’s gonna be a rl challenge ignoring all those feelings; feeling constantly rejected, and judging them bc of that; also judging them bc of feeling the assessments are too hard for me.

Not judging is a whole other reality.  It’s a different person who just doesn’t do it.  I remember that I didn’t do it when I w younger, tho it’s a rl challenge.

I feel, part of the problem is identifying as someone who doesn’t judge.  There’s part of me that wants to like be savvy or something, like saying w is f up about people, yk.  I have to lose that.

Like I say, it’s just a one way ticket to feeling worthless, honestly feeling that every harsh thing I say about anyone, goes straight to me hating myself, and feeling utterly worthless.  I still can’t get over that this is how it is, tho it’s slowly sinking in.

It’s rly just discipline w my thoughts.  Who’d have thunk that just training myself this way c heal me from schizophrenia, and make me function like two hundred percent better.  It’s improved my memory and everything.  Mind blown.

It’s just a testimony to how correct J’s commandments are.  It’s shocking rly the truth of them.  It kinda scares me tbh.

I feel that kids are gonna live to be older than we do.  This is bc of contemporary psychology.  It’s all about being respectful to people, to their feelings, and valuing people.  I just feel that there is something about the way they are, that w make them stay young for longer, Idk.

It’s about them staying kids for longer and not entering that adult state of mind, till I little later in life.  I feel that nowadays is more of a safe space for them to just be who they are, w|o the pressure of having to be someone different.

W is something Ima take advantage of.  It allows me to be who I am as well, to have that kidlike state of mind.  It creates a safe space for me to do that.  It feels weird feeling like a fifty year old kid, tho society is down af.

This girl said, well on, as she walked past me; and these other two girls said, off, they are all old.  It just seems that there is like this need for me to be around, as I am, like a rl need, like society w be missing out if I wasn’t here.

I’m starting to lose my emotional stability due to hunger.

There have been changes to girls before in history, when like they started having their period at like sixteen instead of much younger.  I feel this is one of those changes.

It c mark the beginning of a stage of evolution, where kids actually stay kids till much later in life.  That w mean people living till vastly older.

We just put the pension age up to sixty eight; try one hundred.

This c mark the end of the age of Kali Yuga, w we are supposed to not be in anymore.  It is an age of war, I feel.  In the age before the Hindu scriptures speak of people living to be much older.

To Contemporary Human Evolution

K