Hey

It’s one thirty am, I have my coffee

I w feeling the midnight judgies, a little bit.  I put it down to being hungry bc of eating so long ago.  If I’m unable to control my mind, I might need a slice of bread.

The problem is how much people open up around me; and then I feel that they are talking about me.  Happened a lot yesterday, and w rly wigging me the f out.

I’m thinking that w makes girls pretty is humility, and not judging and not worrying; tho this can’t be relied on.  It makes me feel that I must not get attractive and then be mean to someone, bc I w lose the way I look.  It’s like a secret that no one k, I feel; except it w on tumblr.  She said, remember, you’re only as pretty as you treat people.

I used to have these fantasies of tearing people down, and they used to scare me, bc I felt that they w destroy my beauty.  I don’t get them anymore.

The amount of fear that has to be put up w is unparalleled.  It’s just trusting, I guess, that people w not try anything heinous.

Also; maybe if people stare at me, Ima just get used to it.  I don’t like it, tho I feel pretty and feel that people wanna stare at me, men usually.

In Other News

I can’t log into my jobs board anymore; bc I had that, verify that you are human thing, come up, and I went into the toilet, and now it won’t log me in.  Ima have to use another board.  I must not judge that that is depraved in some way.

Judgement is clearly a choice, and I feel some people do it a lot.  When I am around judgy people, I find myself judging along w them; w makes me feel uncomfortable, bc I may have loyalties against my own people.  It feels super weird, and has happened so many times, that Ik it’s a thing.

I got offered a job, helping people w mental illness, w w nice.  I feel that it might be fun.

Judgement is absolutely everywhere, I feel.  I remember my psychiatrist, telling me that everyone judges, and I feel this must be right.  Like I say, everywhere people open up about what is bugging them, and I hear this stuff so much.  I get to learn all the secrets, bc they just blurt it out to me.

It feels weird to be going against all that; it’s like swimming against the tide.  I understand why my psychiatrist, told me that I need to be judging people, for self therapy, tho I am so happy that I didn’t listen.

I feel that’s the thing about therapy, Ima pick and choose w bits I resonate w, and ignore the rest; like cognitive restructuring, I always felt that that felt like self gaslighting.

I might have to have a beer one of these days.  I never had one, bc I w in a good mood and didn’t want to spoil it.  Tbh, I don’t like the feeling of always needing a puff of nicotine, w happens, I feel bc of having had a drink that week.

This again, is against society, bc nine out of ten people not only drink, tho drink too much, for lack of a better word.

I w starting to wig the f out, so I’m having a slice of bread.

I’m scared of running this campaign.  What if I don’t pull it off.  At least I haven’t told myself that it’s gonna work.

I feel like I’m stalling, bc I don’t wanna do it; w is complete tosh, bc I’m slowly and surely getting on w it.

Just had a little break to get my head back together.

I’m kinda shocked at w it w be like, to not judge anyone for anything.  It makes me feel kinda uneasy; tho I’m sure when I am there it w feel amazing.

Ik that it is a better reality, and I just want that state of mind.  Ik how good it feels.  I feel that I w be a kid again.  I kinda feel like one now, in that I let people do stuff for me, like they are my aunt or uncle or something.

Can a kid, rly run their own life.  I feel that I may have my friends taking charge of my life; and I w have to just not go against them.  It’s a mash.

Sometimes people are right, when they do stuff for me.  I try my hardest to make sure that I do all I can for myself, so that I don’t feel that lack of autonomy that may come from, being helped, or the assertion that I should do this or do that.

I find that the less I try and assert myself on others, the more they leave me alone, and this is how I like it.

I suppose that may sound counterintuitive, and that people tend to think that the stronger a person’s boundaries are the more they are able to withstand people doing that.  Like I say, I feel it’s okay to be helped.

To Being Helped

K