Hey

I’m at home, having CBD

I did something, and the problem w w that it worked too well.  I don’t like it when people look at me sometimes, and I closed my eyes so that when the person looked at me, they got nothing.

I didn’t want to come across as saying, you don’t deserve to look at me, tho I feel this w how it felt.

I started to get angry, at justification for what I had done, and eventually had to drop it, bc there is nothing more of a mash up than being angry at people.  I w so pleased that it had worked so well, it felt unfair that I had to just forget it.

I felt that it w be the most harmless thing to do, as I have the right to close my own eyes, tho it felt like equivalent to I had verbally abused them in a hurtful way.

All the time focussing on the power they had on me, to hurt me, I feel, and being unaware of my power to hurt them.

That’s never a good trade off for me, to hurt someone who I feel is hurting me.  It w make my sin as bad as theirs; and if I judge that they are oafish, then what am I.

I have been forgiven my sins, only as long as I respect those who haven’t been forgiven.

It makes sense to me, that’s the scary thing.  Like if I use my righteousness to torture people, then don’t I deserve the strictest punishment w, is hard to say, bc it is losing my righteousness.  It w be the only fair thing to do to me.

I feel that stature in life, is not to be used to hurt people.  He who exalts himself, w be humbled.  I believe in this.  It’s weird to feel that people get what they deserve, tho I trust in that.

I just had two people come round to help me w mould.  They just left.  It w nice having them here.

I’m set for this afternoon; get this done, get to town and see my boss, and then cathedral.

I’ve been meaning to see him for ages.  It’ll be rly nice to catch up.  I always walk away feeling totally at ease around what he is doing for me.

It’s kinda been a bit frustrating, like the time that I have been seeking this life change, tho tbh, I had to sit w the idea for a while to realize that Ima do it.  What helped most of all, w coming down in medication.

It enabled me to feel that I c perform fast enough.  It’s a rl slower downer and Idk whether Ima keep up, so it’s good that I’m just feeling it now.

I’m thinking about abuse, like my attitude towards people, like they don’t want to k, and maybe tick me off bc they don’t wanna get close to me, I feel.  It sounds to me like that does actually come from abuse.

I suppose people go through life just feeling trust for people, and that sounds amazing, tho I have not known it, I feel.  This c rly change things for me, and rly help my mental health.

I just popped my knitting in my bag, ready.

I wonder if life is starting out trusting everyone, and then that adult thing gets to them, like being asserted that one has to be a bit not caring about people, to get on in life.

And then the adult just goes more and more out of self interest, and loses that trust for people, probably bc if someone were to come to them, they w turn them away, I feel.

Actually the wisdom of J is rly scaring me rn, and I’m wondering about the punishment that someone w get for holding me back all of my life, I feel.

Ima not even think about it, tho fear is right, I feel that I just suddenly believe, and it scares me so much.  It w understanding that parable about the wicked servant that has done it.  It seems like all these parables are real things.  That makes me trust J a whole lot.

To Kindness

K