Hey

It’s two am, I have my coffee

Idk what I dreamt of last night

I got called hot today.  This guy w totally looking at my ass.  It’s been ages since something like that happened.  Last time it w a school kid, who said I’ve got major batty.

Then I got home and these workmen said my name, and then said, is she wet.

Personally, I never took at someone’s body in a lustful way; tho this school girl I walked past yesterday w super hot.

I suppose it’s kinda like porn, and that it makes me feel bad.

There’s such a difference between porn and genuine arousal.  One feels bad, the other feels good.

Sex doesn’t interest me, in and of itself.

In Other News

I have to find an AI that is super realistic and super cheap.  There are a couple of blogs online.  I feel that they both w trigger me, when I read them, so I w have to take breaks.

I’m kinda apprehensive, bc I read a whole book, when Ik that it w teach me nothing, and it didn’t.  I’ve kinda got this feeling w these blogs.  Hopefully they are not too waffly.

Like I say, I’m rly happy to have dodged the bullet like I did w Anakin.

It had creating video, I made one.  It looked good; tho Ima not make any videos, for this campaign.

There’s this one that is just super amazing, unreal, tho Idk which one it is; and it is banned in this country.  I feel that everyone is a luddite, anything new and they just are so hateful towards it, holding back all these things that c well make our lives better.

I feel dogma is to blame, perpetuated by people w no empathy.  I feel they cling to dogma as a way of always being right, and therefore perpetuate the stagnation of progress.  Idk.

Tho I feel they are totally wrong.  Like racism.  I feel they are racist, spreading this hate, tho I’m open to the option that they are just out of touch.

I w out of touch.  Idk the potential that minority people shone w.  Something that I w gladly feel attainable by me.  Such a good vibe, and a rl eye opener.

My vibe is different.  It’s a bit like selenium.  It has a vibe all of its own.  When selenium is showcased in ASMR, it always feels the same, and different to any other trigger; kinda makes me believe in crystals.

My vibe has this quality, that it is like nothing else.  I w so envious of these peoples’ vibe, tho it is not mine, sadly I must go my own way.

Tho, my vibe has led me to where I want to live, the city centre.  I asked myself, well, w is my vibe then, and when I examined the energy that’s what I came up w.

That’s w I cling to, my vibe.  It comforts me in times of uncertainty.  I guess it’s kinda hard to believe in, bc my vibe w different when I w younger, it feels kinda new to me.  It gives me faith in w I do, hope.  So long as that vibe is always there, Ima believe in myself.

There w this flyer on the wall of my support centre, saying about self belief, why do I feel so despondent w Ik that I have nailed it.

I suppose that a vibe is stronger when it can be shared w others, tho like selenium, I am unique.

I suppose that fw people, getting closer emotionally, I w be able to share in their energy.  They have theirs and I have mine.  Everywhere I go, people support me, and that helps.

Emotions are confusing.  Like my psychiatrist told me to carry on w things.  How does she k that they w work out.  That’s emotion, it sheds light on w reasoning cannot.

I am new to emotion, feeling dead inside for decades.  All I had w my youth to guide me, telling me that it w possible to feel, bc I used to, theoretically.

Now this world of emotion has opened up to me.

Social queues were always a problem.  I w be attuned to them, bc I w think whenever they came up.  This thought tho, w at the exact moment that I should have felt something, and blocked the emotion.

There are only two pathways in the brain and thought stops emotion, just like emotion can stop thought.  Every time the moment came that I should have felt something, a thought w block it.

So I do k w when social queues should come, and now am able to read them, as I now have much less of this thought raining on my parade.

Kinda fills me w relief to k that I don’t have ASBD, and that I do feel.  It w take work to feel more, it has taken work to get where I am.

There have been many times when I have felt that I had it.  So unpleasant to feel so cold and hopeless and the problem in everything.

To Energy And Emotion

K