Hey

It’s three am, I have my coffee

I think I’ve got an interview from one of the vacancies I went for.  Should I get an interview, I w say how I feel about the interview game, and I feel it’s rly gonna shock the person I’m talking to.

If I get a job, from the ones I went for, it w be customer service.  Should my agency man get me something, I feel it w be warehouse.

I’m thinking about vaping, and that it is actually slightly dangerous, I wish there were something Ima do about that.

Tbh, I feel they slap a cancer risk on anything that is socially frowned upon, like smoking, and ignore the real killers, like benzene in petrol, w go highly unnoticed; and x rays, I feel are more of a killer than people say.

Not thinking has turned out to be absolute fire.  I’ve had so many complements off people in the last two days, that it has rly shown me the power of it.

Sad to say that the choice is made for me, on whether to keep it up.  Ima not think.  My mind just hurts me when I think.  I feel so stressed out when I am having thoughts.

Idk whether this is to do w the medication.  I w say that it destroys the thought process, bc dopamine allows those thoughts to flow round the brain.  W|o the dopamine they just can’t go anywhere I feel, ergo, no thoughts, or dysfunctional ones.

That’s what I noticed when I lowered the dosage, that I c think, w|o just feeling panic at what I w thinking.  I c actually think w|o judging, it made a huge difference.

I w like to see the original Hebrew of J’s words, so that I c ascertain, whether he w saying don’t worry or don’t think.  I err towards the latter.

Arbitrary, that we have been given what they thought J was saying.  Not surprising that it has been watered down over the years, I feel.  It’s rly limited by the opinions of those that translated it.

They said that J was declaring that all foods were clean, w is putting words in J’s mouth, I’m not okay w that.

It’s funny that the best thing to do w the interview fear, is to just ignore it; for me.  Others may hone and polish the interview game until they wow them.  Me, Ima just allow myself to release the fear.  That is the only thing, I feel, that holds people back, feeling triggered during interviews, bc of their terror at being rejected, the thought that the interviewer does not respect them, the hurt.

I thought about me judging myself.  I w right all along.  It w the same part of the brain that brings those sensations to life.  The brain map that causes me to judge others is the exact brain map that causes me to judge myself.  It’s literally the same thoughts w|o the thinker knowing it.

I feel it’s best not to separate judging others from judging the self, they are both as evil.

J says that out of the mouth come evil thoughts, like.. and I feel that the first word that he says is judgement; and I w have to agree w that, hands down.  Judgement is the most evil thing in someones’s heart, I feel.

He says the mouth speaks w the heart if full of.

I’m trying desperately to rid myself of judgement.  It feels like a rl mission to me.  Yesterday I came close to judging someone, and the thought that I w almost having w just pure evil.  I did feel very much unclean.

It takes a lot of faith to not judge.  The mind tries to protect the person against the intentions of others, w this shield of judgement.  It allows the thinker to just deem them to be of zero value.  That w my sin, and it shocked me, nearly.

Last night, I w just looking up at my ceiling, overwhelmed by the power of J’s commandments, how right they were, and it w a rl moment.

I rly understood the evil of judgement.  Like when I started this, Idk what evil w; like how does not judging and not worrying make someone righteous.  It well does, and the main reason for me, is the dysfunctional nature of judgement.  I rly saw it.

It’s hard being a minority.  There’s this feeling that people are judging me; so scared to say it, I don’t wanna hurt anyone.  It makes me sad.  I feel that everyone has this fear tho.  Does not everyone think daggers at people, when they feel that they meant something some kinda way.  It’s just ubiquitous, part of the human experience.

Tho yesterday, I w nearly the bigot; I came close to crossing that line, and I w filled w horror.  That is w put judging in a whole new perspective.  Idk if Ima do it, it’s so hard to just erase that brain map.  I feel I w just try.  My soul is crying out w this incredible need to be that person.  My authenticity has found my purpose.  I feel scared should someone or something stop me from getting there.  It feels like a matter of life or death.

I feel it’s possible for someone to die, while they are still alive.  I’m a little scared.  Why is existing so treacherous.

I feel that is w these commandments are for.  Praise J for bringing them into the world, and trying to guide people for their own benefit.

Yesterday rly scared me.  I have to try my hardest to not be that person, bc if I ever w, my righteousness w just be taken away; the moment I use it w hate on someone.

To Not Judging

K