Hey

It’s midnight, and I have my coffee.  It’s a Peruvian.  Waitrose have all these single origin coffees, that Ima try.

Yesterday w a challenge.  It’s hard to talk about bc it still feels raw.  People were talking to me everywhere I w, w w okay, tho I feel it turned dark, when I felt like they were talking evil to me.  One guy said, if you touch that you die tonight, when I w using the checkout.

Then I w walking round town w all these people, saying all this sh to me, I feel, right when I just wanted to be left alone.  It has a dark side, I feel.

Tho J says, when people talk all kinds of evil, on account of me, great w be your reward in heaven; specifically for this time of my life, yesterday.

It is so encouraging that I am given all these warnings and encouragements, all listed for me; guidance, when I need it.

I am starting to think that now is the time, that my Yamanaka genes w be activated, kinda.  It’s the only thing that Ima think of, that w come of this.

There is also another reward.  It’s being able to handle w people say, the ability to not judge it.  Alls Ima think is that Ima not judge whether it is malicious or not.

It feels like it is making me younger.  The guy who made that comment w definitely younger.  I guess it’s his humor from like computer games or something.  They have a culture all of their own.  I’ve learned that from AnnAnn.

I feel It kinda frightens me tbh, that everywhere I am, people are speaking to me.  It shows a lack of control.

It also shows change, bc sure as sh, people never ever did this to me before.  Like c I have rly changed this much.

There w this fear that they were all trying to bully me, bc I had got upset w all this going on, that they were offended that I had reacted this way.  It w hard to ignore, and a total mash.  It’s kinda freaking me out rn.

Tho this w give me kid reality, bc kinda forcing me into it.  That’s where all these comments are coming from, and like it or not, Ima have to take them in the way they were intended, ergo being forced into kid reality.

Hopefully this won’t happen too much.  Like w if it continues like non stop for like weeks, Ima squeal.

In Other News

I may get the image done for my campaign this morning.  It scared me tho.  If Idk where these people are coming from when they speak to me, how Ima sell to them.

Tbh it w always men who I felt offended at.  I’ve heard it said that they are a different species when looking at the structure of the brain, it feels like it too.

Like, if Ik where everyone w coming from, interviews w be a smash.  I feel that where they go south, is when the person feels that they intended something a bit dodgy in some way, they feel offended, they are done and dusted at that point; and people wonder, where did I go wrong.

I don’t welcome this, tho see it as a positive thing.  It’s something that I have to go through, I say reluctantly.  It’s like a saneing or something, gonna make me feel insane af in the process tho.

And just think, all I had to worry about previously, w feeling stared at, pales in comparison rly.

Well, when I come off my medication, I should be okay if I’ve got this saneing out the way, bc to be real about it, it is this exact sh that causes me to become ill, I feel.

Again, it’s like being able to handle all this sh, and, I can’t quite feel this rn, tho enjoy it; tho absolutely not talk to other people that way.  I don’t feel that w be respectful.  Ima not go around making people feel this way, I feel it’s evil.

It’s just like when people say all this evil sh about people.  Ima listen to it, and enjoy it, it makes me smile, tho never speak this way about people myself.

I guess that’s why J calls it evil, when he touches on it.  That w confusing for a hot minute, now I get it.

Tho sometimes it is polite to be rude, for example, when I smoked in the smoking area, right in front of the security guard, something I did in the moment.

Learning too much sh rn, slow the f down.

To Slowing The F Down

K