It’s one am, I have my coffee
I remember this post on Tumblr that said don’t force nada, not jobs, not relationships, nada. I’m trying my best not to do this.
I feel I’m getting a lot of attention, everywhere I go. People.. just this endless chatter. It w like this, at the group I w at, just these endless comments about me. It’s something that I’m still getting used to. I’ve changed so much, over the last month or so.
My psychiatrist said that she feels that I’m psychologically dependent on my medication. I feel that this is bc it used to block all this out. Now I’m just aware how much people talk about me.
I feel, due to my hedgehog pathway being turned on, I am aware of all these subtleties that are going on around me.
I had this moment yesterday, where I felt that nothing negative at all w being said about me. It w kinda like Ima relax around w people are saying.
Like, there is something going on w|i me. I feel it’s to do w the hedgehog pathway being activated. It is allowing me to discern the intent of the things that are being said; for example, whether it is about me or not.
I rly have stepped up, and sprouted tons more Neurons, so that Ima be aware of w is going on around me. It helps me to feel calm. I feel this evolution w|i me, the ability to be more chill around all this.
That is w I felt yesterday. It w this faith that it w take me to such a good reality; just a snippet, a clip of w things w be like.
It shows me that Ima be much more happy in my reality, that it seems like a much kinder, possibly utopian reality.
It’s all w|i my mind. My mind creates the world that I am in. W more Neurons, I w be able to just feel peoples’ true intentions, and feel relaxed about how they feel about me.
Every day is recovery. It goes on, beyond my psychiatrist dropping my diagnosis. I intend to continue until I am in the perfect reality. Why not have the best for myself.
I deem my reality to be the things I want. It is my North Star. All my efforts are pointed at attaining it. I have nothing that can distract me from this endeavor, nothing else matters.
I feel so sane at my age, it’s crazy. I feel so lucky to have this, like the ability to be so aware of w is going on around me; and it is pure joy that it only gets more deeper and fuller. It is something to look forward to, ever changing and improving.
And the process in and of itself just brings me so much joy, like w every new thing that I notice about the world around me; tho the things that I learn about myself are the best.
I love it when I have changed fundamentally. I love that I am getting hotter. Ima gauge it by how much people talk about me.
People have rly come alive in my reality, rly stepping up to show me who they are. People are being so honest w me. It feels like a rl honor to have their true self shown to me like that.
I have a job kinda interview tomorrow. I feel so lucky to be going. Like I never had anything like this at the mall. It is my dream place to work.
Like I said, the minute I walk in there, and catch the vibe of everyone, Iwk who I want to be working w. I may find people who are more special to me, and that is priceless.
Lately it has just been a journey of discovery, so many new things that I am noticing about myself.
Rly it’s just a case of, continue doing w I’m doing bc it’s rly working; like J’s commandments rly do make my life better, every day.
People do rly have a way w words, like these one word comments, that they come out w. It rly shows how they feel about the world. Every one is a fresh perspective, and it’s so amazing to be tuned into that.
To Change
K
Miss K 