Hey
It’s midnight, I have my coffee
I am still going to my groups; w keep me, and my mind healthy. Ik this is the way of preventing a relapse.
For some reason, I have been feeling out of sorts the last few days. It c be bc people are verbally abusing me 24/7, Idk if it’s rly happening, I feel.
I decided to take more medication, enough w enough. This has actually stopped it.
I am more aware than ever, that if someone judges someone, then they are measured by that w they judged them. I see it in people who judge, perhaps, the minute they have made that judgement, I feel.
Tho, w people do is none of my concern, bc if I judge them, then I w be judged. It’s just validating for myself that I shouldn’t judge.
And Ik that if I judge anyone, then I w be measured by how I judged them. This scares me so much, bc the kinds of judgements that I am needing to not feel. I want to make sure that I am not judged in like a horrendous way.
I feel I saw a section of a brain that had a tumor, or just a hemorrhage. The brain seemed to be totally wrecked, like I feel they are in altzeimers.
It got me thinking how safe I am from this kind of thing happening; if the brain has to be in so much bad shape.
I feel that my brain is literally so healthy that I even be around kids, and able to feel their energy. Like I have said before, I used to lose it around them, bc I felt judgements towards them, that then turned in on myself and made me feel the exact way that I had thought of them, that I w like worthless or trash or whatever. Then I w get so paranoid that they were looking at me and framing me like that. It hurt.
Maybe my brain w in that condition that that tumor had; years ago; tho I feel the brain heals, and this is why I am in a totally new awareness.
Someone said that the brain of an adult has half the neurons. This c be just bc of the bad condition that it is in, I feel.
I suppose that this is true for the whole body and the general cancer risk.
It makes me wonder about hedgehog pathway suppressing drugs. Yes, if the hedgehog pathway were shut down, then the cancer shouldn’t grow; tho if the hedgehog pathway were fully open, the body w be in this super state of health and I feel there w be no risk of cancer, and if any arrived, the powerhouse of cell renewal w just do away w it.
J’s commandments are a strange path. I suppose it’s hard to accept that they do w J say they do, I feel, Ima struggle to get my head round it.
It’s like something that requires constant effort, bc there are always thoughts, and they have to be ignored if they are judgmental, or worrisome.
Like I say, the hardest part for me, w not judging people for being judgmental, as at first, I felt that I had the right bc they were going against the commandments. Like I say tho, if I judge them for that then the one who is going against the commandments is me.
This is particularly true for racism. Should I judge them as judgmental, then it is me who is doing the judging, I feel.
If I judge them like that, is it them who is doing the judging, no it is me, bc it is me that is thinking that thought. How c they be thinking my thought.
It is rewarding af to be less racist, I feel. It is delightful and I have that reality, bc of J’s commandments, I feel.
I remember the phase I went thought, where I just felt that it w solve the problem if Ima see the racism in my own race, that seemed invisible to me. It’s not better, tho, to be more racist, I feel.
It’s kinda unsettling that the solution to judgement, is to not judge that something is so, and not judge that it isn’t. If it’s healthy for the mind tho, Ima accept that.
To J
K
Miss K 