It’s four am, I have my coffee
Thinking about this consciousness that I’m in, c it get stronger. Well it has gotten stronger the whole time I have been doing this. I accept that it w judgement, that kept me out of this reality, being able to feel vibes. Only stands to reason, that as I follow it more, the judgement will subside.
I used to think that the business w bring the change to my reality, that I needed and make me feel happy; this is not true. It is the lack of judgement and worrying, in and of itself, that does that, freeing up the brain map to be larger for pure awareness, as these things that are completely unnecessary, just dominate the mind, I feel.
Like I said in my last post, I’m actually scared that the business c harm the way I feel, and how everyone respects the f out of me, I feel. There is only one thing that can be North Star, and it is J, alone.
And it’s right, bc it is my highest priority and if I c only have one thing, it w be it. It has earned that kind of reverence from me.
I suppose brain mapping explains or describes like dysfunctional thoughts that no longer serve; thoughts that cause great pain, c be due to brain mapping, ingrained over an entire lifetime.
Yesterday, I w able to step out, for the first time, it felt, a feeling that everyone w being mean; w|o succumbing to any kind of raised cortisol level. Maybe this is why J says, leap for joy when people say all kinds of evil on account of me. Maybe this has done that for me.
J says something like, anyone who leaves fields or family, for my sake, w not fail to have one hundred times that, in this life and in the next, and also persecutions.
Yesterday w a good day. It w cloudy. It felt like people weren’t as open, or maybe it w me that wasn’t as open. Openness is something that I lean into now. I went out one day w the intention of changing my mood. I made sure that I slowed my brisk pace when coming up on people, and it totally fixed me in that mood w I sought, for the whole day. In fact it’s like the only day I remember feeling like in a good mood all day, except a tiny wobble at lunchtime.
This rly brings home to me the value of people. They have the power to do that for me, and that zhè sends a wave of warmth right through me.
As the world feels warmer, it is more pleasant to be a part of. Idk what this feeling is, tho it feels good. I aim to take shelter in that warmth.
It started, when my psychiatrist got me to join groups, as an alternative to therapy. Ik that I needed to fw people, it w easy to see that he w right, and the way I changed as I lived it, just showed me beyond doubt, how healing they are.
I spend a lot of time alone as well tho. Like during smalltalk, what they are rly doing for each other.
And along w this come the winter vibes, as they are more of a family feel. That closeness to Christmas joy, that I felt every single year; being my goal of goals. That is w I focus on when on this journey, the hope that Ima step back into that.
Idk what all this means, tho I like it. I love the changing landscape of my emotional state.
I feel saner, in the times I’m away from media. That warmth just fills my mind and comforts me. It feels of something. It feels of hope for getting a job that just satiates me.
Can life rly be like this. It feels like it is, I own.
To Healing
K
Miss K 