Hey

It’s one am, I have my coffee

It’s Monday, Ima work on my business.  I’m having payment method issues.  I’m so chomping to publish that campaign, that it’s driving me nuts.

I have confidence that my reality w improve; Idk why.  I love J’s commandments, they have done so much for me.

My neck is burning, bc of the nicotinic acid I took.

Earlier Today

I’m down Ferry Meadows

I was thinking about this time when I was a kid. I was angry. My dad was like all offended, and said to him I’m not angry at you.

I was thinking about the ability, to recognizing, whether someone is angry at me or not. Like it would be a much better reality. I would never be asking myself, is this person angry at me; or automatically thinking it was about me, without even thinking who it was about 

Is these kind of things, that attract me to a better reality? 

Is it the judgment for the brain, that is worrying, and creating all these questions and uncertainty, shame, and bad feelings 

I mean, it’s pretty obvious that it does. If there’s a trigger anywhere, there’s probably some sort of judgment at the center in the heart of it. 

I still get triggered, though I am able to function, you know, like I go shopping, I’m able to think of all the things I need, get it done you know, just be able to do what I need to do 

I’m pretty sure that I could step into the reality where I’m doing this even less 

Back To Rn

Being able to carry on on this path of following J’s commandments, is rly all I care about.  It has actually helped me to feel content in my life, something that I w challenged w for most of my life.  It w rly w I w after the whole time that I w following them.

Something told me that they w do this for me, and they have.  I used to feel alright when I w a kid, and I felt that they w do this for me again.  I hope to just continue on that, this, path and just step into that fully.  Like I say, my triggers get smaller the whole time that I do this

I mustn’t feel that people are watching me, as they speak, waiting for some kinda sign around me responding to their speech, like internally.  That’s extreme violation, I feel, that they w be cross w me for how I feel around w they say.

That’s something that I w hope to get next from this experience, that I am more attuned to their intentions, and c tell whether this were the case.

It shocks me how dope I have to be, just to be able to get by in life, w|o getting triggered like ninety percent of the time.  Like people feel that they’a just coast through life, I feel.  I have to say that I don’t vibe w this.  I feel that a person has to be in absolute tip top mental shape to even be able to cope w every day sh.

I feel that w w I w so happy as a kid, I just had that extreme ability to function well; nothing bothered me.  It 👏 w 👏 due to health.

Is it any wonder that when people get older they feel that life gets on top of them, I feel they have lost their edge.

Getting in tip top mental shape w not my aim, I just wanted to feel young again, I hadn’t rly connected the dots.  Ima totally not pass on that tho.  Kinda scares me tho, w that make me stand out.

F it zhè it’s already making me stand out, got hella people flirting w me.  It comes to mind that a n’a gotta be who they wanna attract.  I w prefer if they w leave me alone.

It’s all about the external, no one thinks to change themselves inside to get w they want.  They look out into the world and say I want this, I want her, and never focus on being the person they wanna be being the highest prize, I feel.  It flabbergasts me that people don’t look w|i.

It’s like Seal, only some people want to fly, isn’t that crazy; and yet we all crumble w age anyway, I feel.

And yet the material, w point is there to it, none.

I yelled at someone the other day, that scared me.  For about a week now, I have been concentrating on the parable of the wicked servant.  Luckily he w miles away and probably never heard me.  I car soaked me driving past and there w no need for it.

I feel it’s just about letting people hurt me, as they do, I feel, day in day out, a little.  That kinda w me unleashing my feeling that people just are evil, all focussed on this one person.  I suppose it’s just me judging myself, Ima stop.

Kinda makes me wonder, if I function so well, why do I have schizophrenia.  Maybe it’s just how evil this medication is is that, that’s how it affects me when I come off it, I feel.

I w told that all, give or take, who are in the hospital are there bc of drugs.

Tbh, having full on awareness at my age scares the f out of me.  I suppose it might help to realize that it w connect me to people, and not separate them from me.

This last month has been a process of feeling closer to people, if not just bc of slowing my pace when walking past them, and just feeling some kinda connection, respect or whatever the f; we are both human and dwelling in that for a brief moment.

It’s nice to feel that people are human.  That’s w this whole journey is about, seeing the world as I used to see it, and that starts w the people in it.  That’s w no judgement is for, to cease to brand people this way or that, coloring how I see them, creating this fog that stops me from seeing them, the real them.

They are beginning to shine through, and w I see just makes me feel good, and at the same time, they seem evil, it’s a rl paradox.

Tbh, does evil just mean someone that’s gonna die, Idk.

To Seeing The World

K