Hey

It’s midnight, I have my coffee

I’m rly leaning into not thinking; this w something that I actually didn’t do when I w younger.  I feel that something traumatic happened when I w very young, that made me constantly think all my life until much later.

So, rly I’m becoming someone I never w, someone I feel is much better; and also stepping into my youth as well.

I felt bored earlier, so I had some CBD.  This worked rly well.

In Other News

I want to take a break from the business, I feel.  There’s this vibe that I just wanna step out of.  Ik what I wanna do, when I get back to it, tho Ide wanna say w that is.

Ik that Ima get closer to people, even when I am at home; alone.  By not thinking, I am feeling my feelings, practicing that, and strengthening it, so that when I am around them, I w be more emotionally stable.  It makes being around people that much more enjoyable.

That’s how I felt for such a long time, that I w around them, tho not w them.

Earlier Today

I’m down Ferry Meadows

Billionaire vibes for a sec; wouldn’t it be nice to have a roller; and I don’t rly feel I like rollers.

This all came from keeping thought, out of my head; and then I started to wig out, because I was hungry

It’s getting easier; to just, not think thoughts, that are upsetting me; or, be thinking them, and slow it down, and stop it; and like the result is staying in a better mood.

This is allowing me to feel my emotions, and it’s Hella good for the business 

I feel that the problems around the business, come because of these thoughts; and the thoughts, in none of themselves, are the problem. Could this rly, allow me to do more, without getting vexed AF.

I just left it alone this morning, I wasn’t in the energy to do it

Like there’s no reason, to grind myself into a pulp, over it; and that’s dope, AF, because..

Back To Rn

I have seen, very clearly, that this is the key, to feeling good.  I suppose that psychology is about giving me tools to help me cope, and this is definitely a tool.  It does more than help me cope tho, it brings me to life.  It makes me feel more real and makes the people in my life feel more real.

Idk who I am, this new me just feels so alien, kinda.  Idk if it is okay to be this person, I feel.  I suppose I am going against the old me and needing permission to do that.  I need to give myself permission.

It feels like a challenge bc it is sending me up the social ladder, and that feels wrong, kinda, like I am cheating as far as narcissism is concerned.

Getting healthy always felt like cheating; like being kind to myself.  It felt like cheating, like I w giving myself a break that no one else would; giving me an advantage over them, like it w unfair.

Now Ik that everyone w go easy on themselves, as that is the very nature of empathy.  These rly are people that I need to be around, as like I say, they w instill in me the ability to give myself that ‘advantage’.  Oh, it makes me feel so dirty to call it that, emotionally it’s unclean; they taught me that.

I feel that it’s a big step, tho it hasn’t sunk in yet.  My neighbor told me that he w down w me, and that erased all the hallucinations that I w having.  this should cause a change w|i me as well, to give me that permission; it w take time tho, as it meaning a lot, is something that I need to work on, feeling the true vibe of it.

My mind always gravitates towards the grandiosity.  There is a choice between being kind to myself and being like grandiose, and my mind just is drawn to grandiosity.  It is a part of me that just pulls me in that direction.  It is w it is.

The true goal is feeling.  My mind tells me that I w be more settled, less anxious, if people feel me grandiose, as on the narcissism social scale, I w be higher.  It w be better for me to just feel my feelings, more, knowing that who I am is valid and that I deserve to be here.  I must work on that.

Feelings, in and of themselves, are the goal, they are not supposed to lead to anything, per se.

I feel I must be a billionaire.  There is an invention that I w to bring to life, and change the world.  I have a vision for the use of hydrogen.  If I want change, I must cause it, create it.  Electricity is not the way, I feel.

I see homes creating electricity and not being on the grid, it’s so last decade.

People be concentrating on the rubbish in the f ocean, that is not my priority.  I feel that this planet is dying, albeit of old age, and needs to activate its Yamanaka genes just like I do.  Young me, young planet.

I feel people see this planet at the end of its life, five billion years seems quite long in the tooth; I challenge this.  Just like me, there is much more life in the old girl yet.

To Being Around People And Feeling Their Presence

K