It’s about four am, I have my coffee
Yesterday, I, one hundo, felt the vibes of when I w younger; I w in my bathroom.
It kinda makes me wonder, do I need my family around, to feel like this; no. Do I need money and to be a little affluent, to feel like this; no.
There is nothing that I need, the feeling is w|i. The feeling comes through following J’s commandments; eventually.
That’s all I ask, that I feel like a kid; and now I do.
The feeling, it comes and goes. It has been strengthening in me for about three days now.
It started just as the ability to be totally present, for a long period of time; then, I w drawn into it, slowly tho surely.
Having felt it yesterday, Ima chill; just k that, it is there, I have the ability to feel it, and Ima just relax. I need to stay present tho; that is how I am able to feel it. It is my responsibility to do that, and Ima rly step up, I feel.
Ik now, that J’s commandments are correct; that there is a reality, separate from adult reality, that exists.
I feel I have only just walked through the door of it. I guess there is much more to experience.
I see this as a testimony, that, this is safe; that it is natural, and totally okay.
It’s a huge change.
To be honest, I am absolutely in awe; I am dumbfounded.
I have even been able to handle a couple of loud noises, over the last few days. They were from kids, and I am very happy that I have changed in such a way, that they didn’t set me off.
I want to talk about anger.
I am comparing two things. One is the feeling of being mildly upset or uneasy, I guess from someone looking at me a certain way. The other is anger building, and building, and building, and then me being royally upset.
I have the choice of one or the other. Should I just take the uneasiness of being looked at, I avoid an anger that builds, if I just allow myself to feel that, w|o indignation. I am able to choose w path I take.
J gave me my youth back; a time of my life, that I have always looked back to, and wanted to go back to.
Just lately I have been remembering, that I had lots of friends; that in myself I felt a certain kind of way, it w dope.
I think of those utopian feelings that I had, when I w a kid. I now wonder whether I w be able to feel them again. That w be nice.
It makes me think of the world. The feelings in me have changed, I guess, Idk; and, I c blame that on the world being different now. Tho, if my internal state, stayed the same, from when I w a kid, w I feel that the world is the same. It’s a matter of perception.
I have to guard against making fast, abrupt body movements. I don’t want to set anybody off; this w take a lot of work.
I am in now, the process of just letting my past go. There are so many things in there, that I may feel tempted to hold against people. I just now let it all fall away, I hope.
I have my dream, that I have wanted all my life, no joke. What now, Idk. I must work hard to stay present and keep it, to step into all the feelings, that I had when I w younger, and experience them one by one, maybe.
It w like a rocket, blasting into orbit; it took three days to get here. Idk why things just took off so fast, it w crazy, I w catapulted here. I didn’t expect that, such fast movement. It doesn’t matter tho.
To Being Here
K
Miss K 